Today while walking out of the restroom, I overheard a little boy ask his mother, "why is there a girl coming out of the boys' bathroom?" To which she replied, "that is a boy!" Only to be challenged by the little boy with "no that's a girl coming out of there!" At that point, I couldn't stick around to hear the rest of the conversation.
No matter who it comes from or what age they are, being misgendered always hits the hardest.
The only thought running through my head as I stare myself down in the mirror afterward is, "You mean to tell me Amanda Bynes can throw on a cheap, terrible wig in 'She's The Man' and pass as a cis male, but I, 3+ years on testosterone can't? What the hell is up with that?"
Today, I don't like being transgender.
Today, I'll stare myself down in the mirror and criticize everything about myself, agreeing with the little boy. "My face isn't as masculine as it should be." "My biceps need to be bigger." "My hips and small hands are a dead giveaway."
Today, I'll spend a good portion of my day trapped in my head envisioning what life would be like had I been born normally.
Today, I would give absolutely anything in the world to have been born in the "right" body.
Just for one day I'd love to have a taste of what it's like to wake up and not have to worry about "passing" to the rest of the world, or not have to wonder if I'm man enough.
For just one day I'd like to be able to just wake up and exist without any of the headaches stemming from body dysmorphia like the rest of the male population gets to.
Almost every other day, I am my own biggest fan, I love myself. I love who I am and I'm proud of the man I've grown to be. I'm proud of all I stand for, and I wouldn't have my story written any other way. The days where I wish I wasn't born transgender are rare, and as my transition progresses, the number of bad days I spend wishing I was cis decrease. They still happen, I believe they always will, and when they do, man, do they do their worst. It is on these days where I close myself off and distance myself from anyone who shows me praise or love and affection, ironically, the time I need it most. I do this because those are the times I convince myself I am unworthy of such blessings. It is on these days where I am my most stubborn, no matter what anyone has to say to me to try to make me feel better, I won't have it, I won't accept it. Why would or could anyone love or be proud of a man who cannot even do that for himself?
On these days, I don't love being transgender, I don't love myself, and that's OK.
The same can be said for anyone, no matter your situation. It's OK and actually normal and healthy to experience days where we can't find the strength to love ourselves. All we can do is persevere and survive, allow ourselves to feel the emotions we're being faced with, take those feelings, and let them strengthen us. Bad days suck, yes, but they always come to us for a reason, even if that reason is unknown at the time. Nothing leaves our lives until it first teaches us why it was there in the first place. Use those feelings to your advantage and make them productive in your life. For me, I can rope these feelings in and channel them into healthy outlets like a good workout or writing.
Unfortunately, being transgender means having to fight this war within myself every single day until my time is up. It's exhausting but no matter how much I wish it wasn't, these are the cards I've been dealt with, so I had better learn to play them. There's no point wasting time and energy on trying to change something that is physically impossible to. All I can do is power through, release the negative energy, and welcome tomorrow with a new mindset.
Tomorrow, I will love myself.
Tomorrow I will examine myself in the mirror, clean and half-naked from a fresh shower with my chest and scars exposed, and I will point out all the things I love about myself.
I'll trace my scars with my perfectly sized hands and be proud of all they stand for. I'll kiss my girlfriend and accept all the love she'll shower me with, I'll even believe her when she tells me I'm "the most handsome bean."
Tomorrow, I'll take the extra time to flex for myself in a gym mirror and admire the hours of hard work I've put in. Tomorrow I'll proudly walk in and out of a men's restroom and pay no mind to anyone who looks at me while doing so.
Tomorrow, I will call my mom and thank her for everything she's done to make living this blessed life as a transgender male possible.
Tomorrow, I will embrace myself, I will remember how it feels to dislike myself and I will use that to fuel my fire of self-love.
Tomorrow I'll greet everyone I know with a smile, because I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy to be me.
