I promised myself that I would begin to be more open about my faith. I would show Gods love and speak about how holy His name is. As I began to do that, something wild happened. I can only describe it as a test of my faith and something I had not experienced. I always worried that when time came to test my faith, I would fail due to my anxiety or lack of Bible literacy. I can happily report that as you read this, I did not, but I'm still in shock.
I never expected my faith to be tested by other people who believed in the same God as me. I thought if we all believed God loved us and wanted the best, there could not be this much fighting, but I felt like I was fighting for my faith's life. I began reconnecting with someone I had known for years, and at their expense and mine, I will keep the details limited on our interactions to keep that person out of the spotlight. As we talked, I soon realized that we spoke of the same God and Jesus, but we did not believe in the same God and Jesus. They spoke to him to be crass and harsh, but I've always looked at God as a loving Father.
When I began these discussions, I felt like it was my duty to not only defend my faith, but also my God. One of my biggest character flaws and strengths is that I am a protector. What that means is if I see someone in need, I don't think twice about protecting them. This has gotten me in numerous situations, good and bad. This person began to not only talk about God in a way I did not appreciate but about other people. I could not help but feel as though I had to step in and defend. When I did this, it caused an unusual situation.
They began to tell me how you would have to beg and apologize to God for years to be enough. How who you were would never be enough. In plain terms, they were basically saying that some people were too messed up for God. I began to type to this person and cry because I knew how wrong they were. God loves all of us. He loves us when we hate Him and when we hate ourselves. As I argued with this person and defended what I knew was right, I grabbed my Bible in tears and began to pray.
My personal Bible was in my car. My mom works late and was using my car, so I grabbed my great grandmother's Bible. This Bible has her name on the front, a picture I keep in the back (I also have her pictures in my Bible) and a piece of her handwriting in Psalms. It reads:
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For his name's sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, the comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever."
- Psalm 23
I read this in tears because I knew what I was doing was right. I was sad because along with religious issues, this person struggles with some mental ones as well. I was sad because this was not only me fighting for my faith. I knew I would have break away from them because this reconnection was unhealthy. I wanted to help them, but I knew I could not. So, I am writing this because, I did it. I fought for my faith despite anxiety and lack of Bible literacy. I fought because I know my God and He is so good and loving. His grace is an ocean and overflowing. He loves us for who we are and just wants us to come home like a loving father.
You are enough. Who you are is enough. We are all broken and often approach God with those pieces begging for his help. You and your pieces are enough. So, pick them up, and lets do this together as a family of Christ.
