every person is valid by the mere fact of their existence.
eating disorders and personality disorders take on seemingly different forms. the visible symptomatology at the tip of the iceberg is diverse, but if we dive to the depths and delve into the person’s inner world we will find a core belief common to all of them: “i’m not worth it”.
the “i’m not worth it” is a deeply rooted belief in who we are, integrating itself during the development of our personality and our self-esteem; in which this “i’m not worth it” is supported to gain power and control over our internal world and, therefore, affecting the role that we represent in the external world. although we don’t usually access or connect with it in this obvious way, it takes different critical voices such as “i won’t be able to do it”, “i’m going to fail”, “i’m disgusting”, “they don’t realize who i really am”, “others are better than me”...
these thoughts limit us when facing situations and lead us to connect directly with emotions such as guilt, fear or shame. it could happen, for example, that when faced with this situation we block ourselves and don’t even try to prevent failure. or, on the contrary, we regulate our sense of worthlessness through perfectionism and self-demanding. in any case, the feeling of not being up to the task will still be there.
where do our critical voices come from?
although we all have our insecurities, critical voices scream especially loud and become very hostile in eating disorders.
the point is that at some point in my life i learned to talk to myself like this, and every time i connect with that sense of inadequacy, critical voices appear in their most common and vicious forms.
however there is something very important you should know: all these critical voices, no matter how hostile and unpleasant they sound, have the function of protecting you. it is hard to believe, isn’t it? but it is. they are voices that appear with the intention of protecting you from pain, rejection, the feeling of failure... but they don’t do it in the right way. therefore, we have to learn to listen to these voices carefully and see what they really want to tell us, so that we can re-educate them to keep trying to help and protect us, but in a healthier and kinder way.
healthy versus pathological self-criticism.
i would like to start from a basic idea and i would ask you to please repeat it aloud with me:
every person is valid by the mere fact of their existence. every human being is valid.
think about a baby that has just been born. do you think that they might not be valid? do you think that they might be bad or unworthy? do you think that they might come into this world believing that they are not good enough? i imagine what you are thinking and, that’s right: it’s not that we are not worth it, it’s that we have learned that. shall we repeat this out loud as well?
it’s not that we are not worth it, it’s that we have learned that.
self-criticism is a human mechanism whose function is to protect and guide the person in order to ensure survival. it’s a control mechanism inherent to the human being, which biologically functions the same in all people. the qualitative differences between one type of criticism and another are due to how each person has been taught to use this mechanism of self-criticism.
then, how can i tell when i am criticizing myself healthily and when i am not? — i will give you some clues: healthy self-criticism is flexible, while pathological criticism sounds unquestionable, labeling, generalizing and magnifying; the tone of healthy self-criticism is kind and compassionate, while pathological criticism is ruthless, severe and punishing. the latter needs only a small message, sometimes a single word, to make us feel tremendously guilty, ashamed and distressed. while healthy criticism connects us with more easily adjustable emotions, since they are not so intense.
how to encourage healthier self-criticism.
the “i’m not worth it” is a character who is especially attentive to mistakes, so this is a good place to start. shall we do a little exercise?
make a list of the phrases that usually sound in your head when you make a mistake and try to find nicer alternatives to those phrases. for example, if you usually say “i’m a bad person”, try changing it to “i’ve acted badly, what can i do to fix it?”
when you have difficulty in changing your internal dialogue, it may be useful to think about what you would say to a friend when faced with the same mistake.
i hope this reaches and helps someone. remember that if you need any advice or help my instagram account is on my bio. once again, thank you for taking your time to read what i write.
