For some people, a lot of peoples' biggest fears tend to manifest themselves in the form of a hand-sized spider, a pitch black corridor, or even as the slightly off-center gentleman that lives next door and whom they suspect could have easily been the Zodiac Killer back in the day. None of that frightens me. Well, not anymore, at least.
Admittedly, I was a very skittish kid. I used to be terrified of anything and everything, partly due to my mother's obsession with morbid news stories (as well as her habit of sharing them with us every chance she got), and her own paranoia which she in turn instilled in me. My siblings would often mock me when someone knocked on our door and I would sprint into my room, too fearful to open it because of all the stories I had been told of murderous criminals on victims doors and forcing their way inside.
I would cling to the side of my mother's shopping cart when I went shopping with her for fear that we may get separated and I would be abducted like all the kids she had told me about. I was even afraid to sleep by myself until about age 12. Something about the dark terrified me. I always felt as if I were being watched, and the thought of what (or who) may be watching me absolutely terrified me. I would sleep on the foot of my parents' bed, in a ball on their bedroom floor, or would climb next to them in the middle of the night if I was particularly spooked, which was fairly often.
As I grew older, all of my old fears and phobias began to vanish, and in their place appeared the greatest fear I have ever known.
In a way, it has consumed all of my past fears. Their absence is due solely to its presence, it seems. The two clashing fears cannot coexist. So what is it that I'm terrified of? What makes me tremble and brings tears to my eyes?
Well, my biggest fear is myself.
Allow me to explain. As I grew up and began to experience mental health issues, I became suicidal. I no longer cared if I lived or died. I didn't care if I was poor, sick, or in pain. I just didn't care... and that in and of itself is terrifying.
Nothing has ever scared me as much as the idea that my own mind is constantly compelling me toward self-harm. I've seen the horrors my mind can spin up. I've experienced what it is like for your own brain to attempt to convince itself that it deserves to die. Nothing has ever gotten me closer to death or has ever made me feel worse than my own subconscious.
I will never find any fear greater than the fear I have of myself. No external influence could ever break me down more or do more damage to me than my own mind can.
