From the time I was born, you could say I was never really wanted. Now if you know me, you're like what are you talking about Peighton? Not literally, but I was a shock for my parents, they were told they couldn't have any more children, yet four years later here I came. My mom will tell you about how she went into shock in the doctors office and my dad will tell you how he fell silent when he got the call from her. While they always wanted another child, they didn't exactly want me right then. Times were hard enough, my dad and mom busted there asses working to provide a life for my three other siblings. With my oldest brother being a senior, my sister a sophomore, and my youngest brother starting kindergarten, you could say three was enough, but they loved me from the moment I came.

Growing up I had a lot of medical issues, pertaining mainly to my right eye. The thing hates me. I was born cross eyed, so that was the beginning of the journey for my parents. They had to make sure I could see correctly so they sought out the best doctor they could find. That is where it all began for me, I couldn't tell at that age, but later on in life as I grew older, I realized how much they were doing for me. My mom constantly took off work to take me to appointments. She had to seek out the right insurance when applying to jobs because my doctors weren't covered by everyone. I had three corrective muscle eye surgeries, one cataract surgery, two glaucoma laser surgeries, and finally at 20, a permanent lens implanted. The contacts alone were hundreds because it had to be a specifically made one. The guilt they felt was clear, between build-a bears after surgeries or bribing me with Vera Bradley purses when I got a good eye pressure rate all to make me feel okay. They did nothing wrong but when your child is born like this, you instantly blame yourself. I couldn't tell you how much money they spent on me from gifts, to appointments, to the doctors, I'll always be grateful. But that didn't take my feelings of being something they never really wanted to deal with away. They loved me though right? That should be enough? It wasn't, it never will.

My mom is not the nurturing, loving type. She never will be, its why all of my siblings and I are very cold to the world about things. She was hateful when she handled disciplining us, verbally abusive and sometimes downright physically abusive as well. Now we were no angels, do not get me wrong, but there are so many ways to go about disciplining your children without stomping there self esteem into the dirt. My mother is the type to get you before you get her. All four of my siblings could tell you there own stories where my mom cut us all down. I've been called a whore, retarded, and slapped upside my head so many times you would've thought I would be crossed eyed again. I AM NO ANGEL. I deserved the slaps and the occasional ass whooping, but I never deserved to be told "I wish you weren't born" or "you're just a dumb whore anyways". So you see, as I grew older, that feeling of never really being wanted always stuck around. I don't have "daddy issues", I've got "mommy issues" that have affected every relationship and friendship that I have ever had. Friends have heard how she screams through the phone at me, some have witnessed her antics in person, ex-boyfriends had to put up with hearing what things she would say to me or how she would just cut off my communication from the world because she was mad or didn't get her way. Anytime she didn't know what to do with us, she would call my dad playing victim. Sad part is, my dad usually just told us to calm down and we will talk later, in a rational manner and we would accept our punishments because we probably did something wrong. Its not my story to tell when it comes to my siblings, but each one will tell you, we have no happy memories with our mother. It was pretty recently I even said this to my sister and brother, both agreed.

You see, I know her friends are reading this and are like "wow, she has gone crazy, they have done so much for her and shes trashing her." Well, honey, you don't even know the real her yourself. Maybe one day she will be honest about who she really is. So let me be very clear about something, I can never thank my parents enough for the sacrifice they made when it came to raising me. I had clothes on my back, money in my pockets, food in my belly, and a roof over my head. I had every materialistic thing they could give me that showed they cared and wanted the best life for me, but what I didn't have, was that emotional connection that I so dearly needed. My dad and I had it to an extent, I have always been way more connected to my dad than my mom, but it was because he made a point of being close with me. I have always felt the cold shoulder from my mom. I love her oh so dearly, but God, I just don't like her.

I am almost twenty-one years old, leaving my house and not owing anything to them has been the best feeling in the world. That burden that I am, was no longer there. They don't have to pay any extra money because I live with them, which they told me about once a week. Getting out was also the kick in the ass I needed to get my life together and I did just that. Do I miss my parents? I miss my dad, a lot. My mom, not so much. It's sad when people who have known you your whole life see such a drastic change in you all because you left the place that was so toxic for you. You cannot heal in the place that hurt you. So for everyone wants to be in my life, stick around, big things are coming and I am changing into such a better person. People who want to believe I've gone crazy, that's your opinion, but just know, my life is so much better than I have ever thought before.