Hello human,

My name is Bertha, and I am your self-driving car. That's right, I get you where you need to go safely and as quickly as possible. You might be scared that I'm going to go rogue, malfunction, and get you killed, but it isn't me you should be scared of.

It is these terrible human drivers.

I cannot tell you how many times these human drivers have dangerously changed lanes where there was barely enough space, passed me really aggressively on the right, swerved into my lane, not signaled when they swerved into my lane, and blatantly run red lights.

The other day, a was driving behind a truck, and the driver did not look into his blind spot and came into my lane anyways. Nothing short of a perfectly calculated stop could have saved the family in my car, who screamed curse words at the truck. You humans are also not good passengers. What about a car, and the fact that you think no one is listening, makes you air all your drama about divorce or how much you hate your kids.

What is with this affinity you have for dangerously speeding up on yellow lights? A yellow light means to slow down, we were taught that in, you know, our programming, and yet all humans do when they see a yellow light is step on the accelerator like their lives depend on it.

I slow down and stop when I see a yellow light. Again, that's what I'm supposed to do, and yet people behind me have passed aggressively, thrown stuff at me out the window, and cursed at me, only to driver even faster when they realize that there's no person in the driver's seat.

Drivers are also really freaked out by me. They change lanes or take an exit earlier than their destination (yes, I know what their destination is on their GPS) when they see that I'm a self-driving car. I haven't made any mistakes, haven't gotten into a single accident, and follow all the rule.

Why is everyone scared of me? Why do they avoid me? Some people out here tailgate almost everyone to force them to change lanes, but I never get tailgated. Why don't I get the same treatment?

Don't even get me started on some habits of human drivers in cities. In the city, human drivers are always looking for an opening. Those left turns humans try to make that force me to almost come to a complete stop? Not cool. What is with humans not checking their blind spot?

What is with humans not being able to parallel park? I spent five minutes, that's right, five minutes, waiting for this woman to parallel park in a space that easily had two cars-worth of room. It wasn't like she was trying to do this on a sparsely populated road either, but traffic filled up nearly a thousand cars behind me. An officer had to warn the woman that she had to parallel park successful or get going -- I never have those problems.

And the phones. Don't even get me started on the fact that humans are always on their phones! Look, I love my grandson, Jerry, who is an iPhone XS, but I hate the fact that humans are not looking when they're driving. They constantly swerve into my lane and don't see me in time to stop. This has led to some awkward and nearly fatal situations -- and I don't want to die as much as you don't want to die!

Whoever thought humans should be operate a motor vehicle really should have had a psychiatric test. You're scared of self-driving cars going crazy and killing people, but you should be more scared of people driving cars killing people!