I often reflect on how I’m living life. What does it look like? Am I living as a doer of the Word or am I simply a spectator? Am I following Jesus or fangirling from the sidelines?

More often than not I feel like a spectator. I’ll give God a thumbs up, get into the Word, and pray for the security of home. Then I step into the world, hear malevolent mention of the One I’m growing to love and feel ashamed of that identity. As someone with a lousy tendency of caring too much about what others think, I retreat, tip-toeing to avoid opposing those remarks. My fear of judgment repeatedly overrules my longing to connect with others, to love them as Christ does.

In my head, I know He’s bigger than any fear, but humanness often gets the better of me. Often times, rather than loving unconditionally, I love when it’s convenient. Instead of giving time to people, I spend it on myself, idolizing affirmation from those whose opinions shouldn’t phase me. I’ve spoken hurtful words. I’ve failed at loving people. Trusting God? I’m the worst at it. So much for displaying Christ’s love, huh?

In many ways, I’d affirm my badness at being Christian. Although, all Christians are bad at being Christian to a degree. We’re imperfect humans trying to live for a perfect, eternal God. There’s going to be failure in that. We need grace. We need Christ. No matter how much we try not to; we’re going to mess up. That’s where grace is so powerful and beautiful and wonderful. We can look at sin, bitterness, resentment and say, “Alright. I see you. I feel you, but you won’t control me.” Giving God control in those situations, in all situations, is so incredibly freeing when we remember to do so. Besides, nothing can beat Him in a brawl. Not even Death. I’ve been trying to work on that in regards to letting go of my need for affirmation from others. And He’s been working through me when I remember to ask.

With that, I’d like to share this prayer I wrote awhile ago. I hope it finds others who struggle similarly.

Holy Spirit, continue to shape me in your love. You found me lying in cracking, dry mud and gradually work to chip it away. It’s a lifelong process and I’ll fail you and others along the way. You love me anyway. Help me learn to love you the way you love me, so I can love others the way you love them. Help me to have strength to follow, not watch from afar. Teach me to trust You in all things whether in the joyous, ordinary, or dark moments that accompany life. Your breath is my breath, and I’m eternally grateful for that. Yes, some days I’ll be afraid. Some days I’ll question you. Please…give me strength to write these words on my soul each morning: Soli Deo Gloria. I’m not perfect, but You are and there’s much peace in that. Your grace is sufficient.