What do you do when your friend/human is having a panic attack or a depressive episode?

It can be really scary and super frustrating watching someone you love go through an episode, especially if you don’t know how to be helpful.

This Meltdown Guide was created to help those of you who love people who struggle with anxiety and depression to feel like you can be helpful when your human seems to be spiraling.

Mental illness can be rough on any relationship, and it is truly no one’s fault. You do not have a responsibility to be super human and protect your human from every little thing, including themselves. And it’s not your human’s fault that they are struggling.

This guide was also created to inspire those of you with anxiety and depression to communicate with your team about what you need when you are spiraling, while you are in a better place. In my experience, you cannot fight this battle alone. It takes a village. You need your tribe.

Please take, leave, amend, and rip this list off to create a guide of what you think might work for you. Adapt it over time, and make sure to talk about it with your tribe and make it available to them when needed.

So, your human is having a meltdown. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back. Stick to the following guide, and they will calm their shit in no time. The rewards will be tremendous, and you will be rolling in the perks that come with a grateful and calm human if you just follow these simple steps to helping them keep their cool.

Understanding An Episode: A Metaphor

It is important to understand that because of the neurological connections in your human’s brain, that have been fired consistently, maybe for their entire life, your human may respond to stress by exhibiting symptoms of PTSD.

A Metaphor:

Think of this reaction as akin to hiding in a bomb shelter: They can’t live in there forever but it is safe. It is protection from a real or imagined threat or stressor on the outside. It allows one to periodically peer out through the peephole, assess the situation and deal with it in pieces. It also makes it very hard to make real decisions or take real actions.

In these situations, think of your relationship as the ground that the bomb shelter is built in and surrounded by. If you fall away or retreat, it often will make your human feel exposed or threatened. The threat has nothing at all to do with the surrounding earth, but the emotions and actions that are a reaction to the actual threat, are played out within the earth.

Under no circumstances are you, the stable bedrock, responsible or accountable for the stress occurring above. You are an innocent third party. It is so important to understand that if you assume responsibility, then you embody the threat. It is like the earth that surrounds the bomb shelter falling inward and crushing the bomb shelter

• Everybody dies.
• That’s no good.

Reacting To A Crisis

Depression, anxiety, manic episodes, and panic attacks should be treated with the same mindset as someone who has just been launched off their bike into a gravel pit. It hurts, and it’s gross and can be a bit frightening, but it will pass, wounds will heal, and it’s not a big deal, except for right when it is happening.

Getting upset about it does not make it go away. It has already happened, and now it is time to take care of business. Get your human to a safe space, and start wiping up the blood and picking out the gravel.

Tips to Support Your Human

No matter whether you are with your human or not at the moment of crisis, these five tips will help get you both through it.

• DO remain calm. You are a fucking champion. This skill and these experiences will help you in every relationship, intimate or otherwise, that you will ever have, for the rest of your life.
• Don’t ask them to make decisions. They may be incapable of making any at all. Whether it is deciding if they want to go to bed, what they want for dinner, or if they want a glass of water, assume all decision-making faculties have been thrown out the window.
• DO take control. This can mean telling them to brush her teeth, put on pajamas, take a shower, eat their dinner, etc. Taking off the pressure of having to make decisions and having the foresight to complete simple tasks like plugging in their phone is HUGE.
• Don’t assume they can ask for what they need in that moment. Also, don’t assume you have to be a mind reader. You don’t, just try your best. You know your human.
• DO try the proximal and non-proximal suggestions below if you are unsure of your next step.

Suggestions When You are PHYSICALLY THERE for a Human in Crisis

• The 5 senses
  • When touching, I find that skin to skin is best, face to face. Alternate between whole-body holding/constricting and light back circles with head petting.
  • Blankets in a quiet, warm, and relatively low-lit atmosphere can be soothing.
  • Keep your voice low, either quiet or whispering.
  • Extra special holding technique: Cradling in any form is exceptional; particularly if it allows the one doing the cradling the ability to whisper, rock back and forth in some way, and allows for gentle stroking or petting of the non-sexual variety. Think "holding a baby."
  • Temperature — The cold can shock the body and bring them back to reality – it helps to ground them. I found that holding or peeling a frozen orange helps, walking outside in the winter, or sucking on a citrus popsicle. It not only is a fresh scent, but it is also a shocking sensation.
  • Smell — essential oils to some are well, essential. Lavender is known as calming. If essential oils are not around, try lighting a candle or even opening a window.
• Activities
  • Distractions can be good once the initial episode is over and it is time to recover. Music may be too emotionally triggering. I find cartoons are best.
  • However, if the person is hallucinating or having symptoms of psychosis – music can literally make them go away. The brain is magical like that- where if your brain is fully involved in some sort of music- you can not hear voices or hallucinate – it's scientifically proven. Think guilty pleasure playlist sort of thing. Anything that they know all the lyrics to and can get super involved in.
  • Get up and dance!
  • Read to them, anything.
  • Bath or shower.
  • Do not fucking fall asleep. They will hate you forever.
  • Tell them about your day, or a mundane topic. Dumb facts about penguins or elephants work here. Do not expect a high level of participation but they are listening, and they do care. This is super helpful and can be very soothing.
  • Watch a favorite TV show with them (I watch F..R.I.E.N.D.S during this time, because I’ve seen it before and I don’t have to pay attention, but it can also make me laugh)
  • Ask them to rate their depression, anxiety, selfharm, suicidal ideation, and any other urges or stressors on a 0-7 scale. Stay with them until it is under a 4
  • If they believe in a higher power – offer to pray with them
• Nourishment
  • Start with a glass of water, and if that is good, move to warm beverages – NOT alcoholic, or super creamy or sugary. (herbal tea or cider works here)
  • Encouraging words, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
  • Breathing together.
  • Make sure they have eaten in the last 3-5 hours.
  • Make sure they have slept

Disclaimer: Always ask for consent when touching a person who is having a panic attack. They may not be able to answer fully, but be aware of their body language and the subtle cues that they don’t like what you are doing, or that touching them is making it worse.

When You Can’t Be There

You can’t always be there when the shit hits the fan. That is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to babysit your human. When you can’t be there, here are some great tips to get you and your human through it.

• Sensations
• Activities
  • Make a plan. Don’t dwell too much on what is happening but tell them what is going to happen NEXT. Don’t ask for help making the decisions. Take the initiative to make the decisions about what is going to happen with the rest of their day. This will give them something to look forward to and is extremely helpful. Knowing that they will be taken care of is almost as good as being hugged right at the moment.
  • You can still ask them for their ratings here.
  • Pray with them
  • If you can't be available by phone or skype, an encouraging text could be helpful.
  • You don’t have to do a lot or anything at all. Just let them know you believe in them, are rooting for them, and are there for them.

Go forth!

Now you know the basic steps to help the person in your world handle their shit.

This list is in no way exhaustive, but it is a really healthystart. Every person is different, and what they need in the moment is going to vary — so talk about it.

Remember that everything you do is deeply appreciated and it is strengthening your bond in ways nothing else could. You are also learning a lot about nurturing and being a better friend... It’s not pretty, it's messy — but it’s important.

Disclaimer:

If it wasn’t already super obvious, I’m not a mental health care professional.

I have an entire team of healthcare professionals that help me. That’s right, a team, like, so many healthcare professionals. The insight for this Meltdown Guide only came after working with them, treatment, a relapse prevention plan and on myself. This is not medical advice. If you experience anxiety or depression, please seek help from a professional you trust (doctor, counselor, veterinarian, whatever). It is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

If you are in immediate danger, TELL SOMEONE.

If you don’t know where to start –

Send them this blog or your own version.

Just start talking.

Send this to whoever your person is now while things are good, so they know what to do when things are not good.

Develop a code word for when things are bad (mine is literally “calculus”)

There is ALWAYS someone there to talk.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is toll-free at 800-273-8255. Or, if you are in crisis or need someone to talk to, text Hello to 741-741

You can also check out these resources here (https://www.imalive.org) Here (https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/) or here (http://suicidehelplines.org) and also here (https://brokenbelievers.com/2011/01/23/247-crisis-lines/)