As everyone knows, the dog is the most important animal on the planet. The loyal mammals are known for their unconditional love, loyalty, and above average sniffers. They have quite the reputation—claiming the top spot on man’s list of best friends. Those that have had the chance to own a dog can agree that of all your friends and family, your dog knows you best. There sure is a lot of things your dog does for you. I mean, of all the positives dogs provide you, what do you—dog owner—do for your dog? Feed it? Keep it inside until it’s ready to poop its nonexistent pants? Make it super uncomfortable by trying to hug it? You probably don’t know its mother’s name, or grandmother’s name or its real birth name. You don’t, do you? That’s awful, but don’t lose hope, dog owner--you aren’t the worst yet. Figure out where you fall on a scale of one to bad doggo friend by answering the remaining questions to the best of your ability.

How many teeth does your dog have?

A simple biology question, humans have a known amount, your dog should too. A good dog owner not only knows how many teeth they have, but keeps their dog’s mouth fresh and clean by brushing and flossing every morning and night. Don’t forget to mouth wash! I recommend accomplishing this by putting it in your mouth, then spitting it into your dog’s! It is a highly effective form of transportation!

What are its hopes and dreams?

Dogs are people too. They like things. They pursue what they enjoy—be it ball, disk, or stick—and won’t quit until they get it. My dog wanted to be an ecologist. I said no way! A biologist maybe, but ecology is the fool’s science and you’re no fool.

How many paws does it have?

Four hopefully.

That should be enough questions. Dogs are pretty simple really, they’re not that complicated. How many questions does this quiz even need? Dogs probably don’t even have hopes and dreams so question two is irrelevant. You can cheat too, it’s not like I know—feel free to google the answer to the teeth question before telling your dog you know its tooth quantity. And if you can count from one to maybe five you should be able to discover the paw number pretty easily. So I mean, if you know those two quantitative answers and that you shouldn’t hug your dog, you’re probably not too bad for a bad doggo owner. Solid effort.