Midterms: they steal our energy, our sanity, and our very life-force every semester. The Midterm Paper (Thesius perilus) is of a similar breed to the Final Paper (Thesius unholius). But without the promise of summer's sweet relief behind the corner, the midterm can be even deadlier. Here are some tips for writing a perfect midterm paper on time! The trick is to break everything down into small, manageable steps, as I demonstrate below.

Let's write that essay!

1. Choose a prompt.

Stare at your computer screen. Let a single tear drip down your pallid cheek. Decide on whichever prompt will let you sneak in more feminist textual analysis.

2. Read the question carefully.

Highlight keywords. Highlight every word. Doesn't that feel productive? Keep highlighting.

3. Stop highlighting.

You will never stop highlighting.

4. Actually read the book.

You read about half of "The Jew of Malta," because you're in eight other classes and you needed time to catch up on "Master of None." You wonder if you could do a comparison essay between "The Jew of Malte" and "Master of None."Both contain themes of alienation and engage with cultural stereotypes. Think about this for 15 minutes.

5. Watch another episode of "Master of None."

Are there really only ten episodes? Jesus.

7. Go get dinner.

You wasted the entire afternoon and are a terrible person. Some food in your system will help you think clearly.

6. Develop a thesis.

Unfortunately, you're already in line to get pasta at the dining hall. This will require another two hours of your time, minimum.

7. Write an outline.

You would, but someone invites you to watch an episode of "In The Flesh" after dinner. You think, 'Isn't this college?' You think, 'Aren't I supposed to be irresponsible sometimes?' Decline the offer, but feel terrible about it. You are not living your Best Life and this essay is to blame.

8. Cry on your dorm room floor.

You have clearly failed everyone in every way possible. You probably should have picked a different major, like Making Fart Noises and Wearing Diapers, because you are an infant instead of a responsible adult.

9. Realize you need to vacuum the floor.

Vacuum up the Dorito dust and dead leaves out of your carpet. Water your plants. Scrub the sink. Clean the entire room. You're being productive!

10. Check the clock.

It's 11:23. The essay is due at 9 am tomorrow morning. Which means you have a whole 9 hours to write it! Easy.

12. Feel the cold grip of despair.

Oh god, you're never going to get this done. Just give up now. Take to the hills.

11. Look up "motivational puppies" on Google images.

There, this is helping.

12. Make a sacrifice to the Dark Ones.

You were trying to go vegan this week, but you already ruined your streak with the pasta. Might as well spill some blood, engage in some unholy rites and see if any demonic beings will help you finish this essay.

13. Summon the Devil Himself.

How presumptuous of you. Satan is a femme-presenting nonbinary entity, and they are gently disappointed in you for procrastinating. Apologize to Satan. Watch them disappear in a whiff of sulfur and -- is that vanilla? There's a scorch mark on your carpet, but no vacuum will get it out.

14. Write the paper.

First look up a BuzzFeed article on "how to stop procrastinating." Do a few jumping jacks. Check on your Neko Atsume cats. Oh hey, Billy the Kitten gave you a memento!

15. WRITE THE PAPER.

OK, fine.

16. Proofread the paper.

Right. "Proofread."

17. Turn in the paper.

All is bliss, the shadows have lifted. Somewhere, a songbird gently croons "Ave Maria" to its hatchlings. You are free.

You are free.