At the risk of sounding like the millennial PC princess that I am, Thanksgiving is a garbage holiday. We gather together and gorge ourselves on food, celebrating a time when illegal aliens came to an already founded nation and stole unabashedly from the natives in exchange for smallpox infested blankets, the raping of their daughters and wives, pillaging of their villages, and a continuous reign of violating their rights as land owners, right up to present day.
However, if we are to completely ignore its origins, the falsehood of the holiday is somewhat charming. From the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, to the delicious smells wafting through the house starting first thing in the morning, I'll admit that I have just as large a soft spot for familial bonding and pie as the next person.
This is not to say that any family holiday doesn't present its challenges. Particularly in such a high stakes year as 2016, hot topics like the 2nd amendment, Colin Kaepernick, and Hillary Clinton's godforsaken emails are bound to come up, making for awkward conversation in a room that has quickly become too warm with the body heat of people you mercifully only see a few times a year.
In an effort to make this holiday season as enjoyable as possible I have composed a practical list of ways to stay pleasant while avoiding your drunk uncle's political opinions and your great aunt's probing relationship questions.
1). Invite a buffer:
Everyone has someone, be it your significant other, your college suitemate, or that girl from hot yoga whose whole family lives across the country. Enlist them, and be sure to thank them later for absorbing the lions share of the interrogation over dinner. Last minute strategy: join forces with the one cousin that isn't totally insane and pretend to be enraptured by the Thanksgiving football game that's sure to be blaring too loudly in the family room.
2). Find the fluffy things:
Every good house has a pet. Dog, cat, cool bird, don't be too picky. Find it, bond with it, sneak it food, and be grateful that the good lord created fluffy friends for moments just like these, when one more question about your future may result in an actual nervous breakdown. If you're really in a bind, any child under five will serve the same purpose.
3). Alcohol:
Honestly, this speaks for itself. Might I suggest a delicious fall sangria? Whip up a pitcher or four and bring them under the guise of being a sweet house guest, while enjoying the warm, contended feeling that third glass will bring you.
4). Never stray too far from food:
The greatest blessing of this day may be the exorbitant amount of food that is sure to be present. If you pace yourself just right, there is no reason why you couldn't reasonably be enjoying food for the entire day, unable to interact due to a full mouth. There is always more pie to be consumed, always.
5). Avoid politics: And religion: Avoid all topics:
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for an intelligent debate between friends, but might I suggest that dinner with your fragile aged grandmother isn't the best time to be sparking controversy? Stick to the basics if you cant control yourself. Smile and waves guys, smile and wave.
In short, everyone has something to be grateful for, even if it's just that the holidays only come around once a year. So be pleasant, enjoy the buffet, and spread love to everyone around you as you peacefully slip into a well deserved food coma.
But really, don't forget the wine.
