Let’s be real, none of us really knew what to expect when we got to college and before we could exhale from our first deep breath at Move-In Day, everything hit us at once. Go Greek flyers, new roommates, party invites, school events, understanding how to use a meal plan and the pure bliss of freedom from our parents’ house rules. Oh, and then there’s class and working towards becoming an actual adult. With all of these new pressures and excitement, we began to explore and indulge in the “college life” that we’ve heard so much about and imagined even more. Sounds close enough to your experience, right?
Jump a few weeks into your first semester. While you do still make time on the weekends for your high school BFF who didn’t go to college, for whatever reason, they are starting to feel pushed aside. To them the promise you made at graduation to “always put each other first” seems to have lost meaning to you; especially when you couldn’t make time to come over Wednesday because you had a test, but your snapchat shows that you went to eat with your roommates, AGAIN. And even though “school is stressing you out and you barely have time for anything,” you still managed to go to Penny Pitchers on Thursday. You still love your best friend and don’t want to lose their friendship, but you can’t seem to balance your old friendship while building your newly formed friendships in college. NO WORRIES! I’ve been there, and here are a few lessons I’ve learned as I transitioned through this stage of life.
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First and foremost, your schedule is not, nor with it ever be, consistent. One week you’ll have very few assignments and tasks to complete, and can make time to hang out. Two weeks later, you have two essays, four tests, three deadlines for an organization and a eulogy for the dead hope you had for any kind of relaxation for the next six days. Having such a rocky schedule leads to weird living habits where you stay awake until nine AM, go to classes from 10 til two, finish a paper before your six o’clock night class and then sleep from eight PM til 10. Magically, you wake up just in time to get ready for Penny Pitchers and relieve some stress from your eventful week. Meanwhile, your best friend has texted you several times about hanging out and wanting to talk. You respond the next day and ask to reschedule this weekend. Then you remember that you have a mandatory philanthropy event for your fraternity so you meant next weekend.
“I didn’t sign up for this” is the most commonly uttered phrase when you have to deal with all of the responsibilities that you signed up for. In reality, the only thing you didn't sign up for was the placement of your best friend of several years on the back burner; and your best friend didn’t sign up to get lost outside the rest of your life. How to keep them in the loop? Here’s what you do.
Tell them when you have a lot on your plate. You might feel that you shouldn’t have to tell them what kind of week you’ll have coming up, but at least they’ll know what's going on in your life, and can be more understanding when you can’t hang out. Organize your schedules and make plans - a football game, a concert, bar hopping, anything - this’ll at least give you both something to look to doing together. Send the simple message just to check up on one another. Invite your best friend to meet your college friends. They don’t have to become besties or bros (but if they do, let the bond form).
DO NOT place the value of your friendship on the amount of time you spend together. Friendship is about a bond. If we measured friendship on how much time we spend with people my best friends would be my boss or JD from Scrubs after I binge watched the entire nine seasons in three weeks.
Do not think that actually pushing your old friend to the side because you found a new person or group of people who have a lot in common with you is okay. Do not try to make your friends choose between you and their college friends. They live with these people, they see them every day, and they have a lot in common including the joys and sufferings of the college experience. An ultimatum will only create a rift or break in your friendship where there doesn’t have to be one. If you have the privilege of living close, do not go to your friend’s room/house every night. This is not okay. They need sleep. They have homework. They need to study. They need a break from everything. School does not stop once you leave class like most high schools.
Needless to say, there a many factors that come into play with grown up and living new experiences, but some lessons we’re never too old to remember. Communication is a two way street no matter how busy either person is. And I know you’re single, but a friendship is still a relationship and relationships take work. To the friendships that survive, cheers and a drink. And to the friends who are lost, here’s to the serene acceptance that sometimes things change, people grow, and the college life doesn't stop.
