Growing up, I tried to please others and to never disappoint my friends and family.
I got good grades, learned a new language, and began to work out to make my mother proud. She would be on the phone with family friends and I would hear her brag about my accomplishments. What they do not know is the amount of blood, sweat, and tears I shed to get these goals accomplished. These results were not for me, but for my family. While I studied for a biology quiz for hours and hours, my friends were at the movies or playing sports, just having fun. When my friends and I got our quiz results back, we all got A's. All that effort was essentially for nothing.
In middle school, I got into anime and KPOP; something I enjoyed. My mother seemed disappointed when she saw me watching anime. After that, I stopped watching anime for the longest time. When I was thinking about a future career I would like to pursue, I was leaning towards the field of law. My mom said she would prefer for me to study medicine. I took two science and medical classes per year in high school. Junior year, I realized how miserable I was in science class. I would dread entering the classroom and glanced at the time every-so-often.
I realized that it's my life and my decision.
Finally realizing that I did not want to go to Bio class was not because I didn't like the teacher. It was because the information being taught was not for me. I took the initiative to finally not science classes and expand on my interests. I had a serious talk with my mom and we worked it out. She recognized how she did not take into account what I wanted, even though I mentioned how my interest is in law, not internal medicine.
This process of decision has slowly influenced the way I make choices. I chose which school to attend, ignoring the constant "recommendations" from family members. I began to listen to KPOP again. I am learning a new language on my own terms, and I even adopted a dog. Even my sense of fashion was based on my mother and grandmother's liking. So, I changed my entire wardrobe based on the Pinterest boards I made and dreamed of replicating. All of these choices did not get the best reaction from my family. I noticed how much I was revolving my life around how others wanted to perceive me. If I am going to be perceived, then it will be on my conditions.
I developed courage.
Taking my life back was not easy. I constantly had anxious thoughts of what others would think if I left medicine. "Would they think I am lazy? A coward? Dumb?" Even small things, like the color of my hair tie: "Does it match my outfit? Would people make fun of me it doesn't match?" I noted how no one actually gave me negative feedback or any at all. That hair tie? No one cared. Leaving medicine? My friends and family encouraged me to do what makes Me happy.
Take baby steps throughout life. Sometimes, life would push you and you might fall. It will be hard to get back up, but at least try to get up. If you like to people-please and want to stop, then start small. Buying a new shirt? Don't buy something that you think your family or friends would like on you. Buy it because you like it. Then, slowly but surely, start going big. For me, I did the opposite. Everyone is different and you must find your pace.
