In an ideal world, coming out as not straight would be no different than coming out as liking pepperoni pizza. You’d say, “Hey guys, I like pepperoni pizza.” And they’d say, “Cool, I like sausage.” And then you’d continue to watch TV or bake pies or play laser tag, or whatever else you were already doing. And no one would think that your comment was weird or monumental because, just like liking pepperoni pizza, your sexuality is simply a trait you were born with. It doesn’t change who you are as a person; it’s just one part of you.

In an ideal world, coming out wouldn’t be a big deal.

However, this isn’t an ideal world, and coming out is a big deal. It’s a big deal because announcing that you are not straight is breaking a norm. It’s a big deal because revealing your sexuality is opening yourself up to hate and negativity from homophobes everywhere. It’s a big deal because there is so much fear in not knowing if your loved ones will ever look at you the same way. It’s a big deal because, in today’s society, coming out takes an incredible amount of courage.

If you are lucky enough to be trusted by someone so deeply that they choose to come out to you, it’s important that you know how to react and how not to react.

What Not To Say When Someone Comes Out To You:

1. Are you sure?

Yes, they’re sure. Trust them. Coming out is generally not a decision one makes on a whim. It’s something they’ve thought about, questioned, and contemplated for quite some time. Please don’t disregard all the time they’ve spent coming to terms with who they are by asking if they are, in fact, sure.

2. So have you done anything with a girl/guy?

Coming out is a difficult and sensitive process. It’s about accepting their personal identity and then sharing that truth with people. This is not a time for you to be asking about their sex life.

3. Why are you doing this?

They are not “doing” anything except being honest with you.

4. Wait you don’t have a crush on me, right?

Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. That’s not important right now.

5. How long have you known? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Because they weren’t ready to yet, or it didn’t come up. They are not obligated to tell you their sexuality; they’re choosing to.

How To React When Someone Comes Out To You:

1. Have a physical response

Smile, or hug them (if they like hugs). Do something that shows them without words that you are proud of them, happy for them, and love them.

2. Have a verbal response

This depends on your relationship with the person. There’s no script to follow. (There’s a script not to follow: see above.) Whether you use respectful humor, kind words of love, or a matter-of-fact acknowledgement, make sure they leave the conversation feeling accepted and loved.

3. Buy them ice cream

This is not a mandatory step. I do, however, feel like ice cream is an acceptable response to any situation you may find yourself in.

4. Return to whatever you were previously doing before this conversation occurred

It’s important that whoever is coming out to you knows that nothing has changed. They are still the same person to you. So, continue doing what you would normally do. Again, nothing has changed. You just know a little more about them now.

5. Continue to show them support

Chances are, this person will have to come out to many more people throughout their life. They will have to deal with hatred and discrimination and denial of their personhood. As someone they love and trust, make sure you are there for them in the moments that get tough.

Until we reach a point where being homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc. is as normal and accepted as being heterosexual, coming out will be a big deal, both to those who are doing it and those who are receiving it. Above all, remember to respect everyone around you. Spread love.