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How to Properly Use a Cell Phone: A Satire

Be sure to walk slowly so that you don’t miss a tweet, Snapchat, or Instagram post.

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How to Properly Use a Cell Phone: A Satire
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As we all know, in today's day and age, a cell phone is a means of survival for many millennials, a lifeline rather. We become panic-stricken whenever we are without our phones. That’s because, without cell phones, we are nothing so of course, it's an absolute necessity to learn how to properly use one. Here are some tips:

First and foremost, there is never an inappropriate time to use your cell phone. I repeat, there is NEVER an inappropriate time to use your cell phone. Use your cell phone while you’re walking outside. Be sure to walk slowly so that you don’t miss a tweet, Snapchat, or Instagram post. The people behind you won’t mind even a little. They’ll appreciate the fact that you’ve finally learned how to use your cell phone because nothing is more frustrating than someone who is improperly using their cell phone.

Next, be sure to use your cell phone in class. Use it in chemistry, biology, physics, whatever class you’re in, to look up pictures of puppies and to order some new clothes online. The professors don't mind; in fact, they encourage it. Your cell phone and everything on it is clearly more important than getting an education, and your professors will completely understand. The people next to you won’t mind when your phone vibrates every five seconds either. They’ll be grateful for the distraction from the useless information going on in the front of the classroom.

Most importantly, remember that your cell phone is always prioritized over the people that are face to face with you, including, but not limited to, your friends, family, classmates, and teammates. When you haven't seen your grandmother in a few weeks and you go home for fall break and she attempts to spark a conversation with you, get out your phone. Get on Twitter, and post a few tweets about being home. Post an Instagram picture of your grandmother to let everyone know how much you missed her, but remember your phone is way more important than anything she has to say. She'll be around for years!

Just like your grandmother, your parents will always be around, so when you all sit down for dinner for the first time in weeks or even months, be SURE to get out your cell phone. Text as many of your friends as you possibly can before your fingers cramp up, and turn the volume all the way up so as to keep any dinner conversation from distracting you. Your family surely won't care; your cell phone is always number one priority and trust me, they know that.

Cell phones are the single most important thing in people's lives today, but unfortunately many people aren’t aware of how to properly use them. Hopefully, these tips and tricks help many to learn the PROPER way in which to use a cell phone. Basically, all you have to remember is this: forget your surroundings. Forget about your responsibilities. Forget about your family and friends. Who needs them when you have Siri at the touch of your fingertips?

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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