I was 20 years old when I dropped out of college. I was in my third year working towards my BSW and already a few credits behind thanks to being labeled as ‘gifted’ in high school and never having to learn how to study. When my sense of direction began to slip away, so did my last sliver of motivation and sanity. My anxiety quickly worsened, leading to my very first panic attack. I realized my mind and body were begging for a break. Overwhelmed, embarrassed, and defeated, I turned to my older sister for advice.
Now, having an older sister with a photographic memory, a master’s degree, and a fulltime job at the age of 23 made going to her with my failures rather intimidating. But when she shared her words of advice and encouragement I learned that she was never a shadow to cast over me but a safety net to catch me when I fall and propel me in my own direction. She responded to my cries of humiliation and depression by saying the one thing that has stuck with me through my academic journey reminding me that I am actually ok. “Baby Rae,” she began, “all I can say is- as someone who rushed through college, DON’T rush through.”
The plan was to take a semester off and figure out what I really wanted to do. I spent that semester working 3 jobs and partying every night that I wasn’t working, and then a semester turned into a year. By the end of 2014, a loss of direction crept back in, so I enrolled in some classes at a community college. I changed my major a few times before rekindling my love for writing. By the time I finished my core classes, my other sister who lived in Savannah was in need of a roommate. Eager for a change of scenery and some quality time with my big sis, I crammed myself, all of my belongings, and my cat into my 1998 Grand Marquis and headed south.
I am now 25, one semester away from a finish line I never saw myself crossing. Thinking of myself in a cap and gown fills me with emotions I do not have the words to describe. My sister’s advice pulled me through the last four years of schooling. Yet, if someone younger were to ask me the same questions I went to her with, I can’t say I would say the same. Initially, I see myself shaking them, screaming “JUST KEEP GOING!” or “Pick any major and get through as quickly as possible.” College wasn’t filled with new friends and adventures for me. I spent most of my time alone and terrified that I was screwing everything up.
But over the past six years, I learned more about myself than ever before. I learned to be my own best friend. I learned to stand up to my biggest bully, which turned out to be myself. I learned that if I had followed the advice of others and pushed straight through in a major I wasn’t passionate about I wouldn’t be graduating this year. I needed a longer journey to reach a point where I was comfortable and confident in my abilities. I needed time to grow.
My advice to anyone planning their college career is this:
Stop planning. It is unlikely that it will actually work out that way. When we enter this period of our lives there is still so much developing to be done. My advice is to listen to yourself and respond to what your gut is telling you. Some people, like my sister, get lucky and have it figured out from the get-go, only to end up learning so much more after they walk across that stage. Then there are people like me, who have to fall one million times to learn the moments we are falling are the moments we find our strength. College, just like life, is a journey and is remarkably different for every one of us. It would be so limiting to hold ourselves to the standards and experiences of others when our journeys are so full of their own unique possibilities.
