My last year of high-school and first of college was the hardest time in my life. I was unsure of what I wanted to major in, I had gone through a change of friends and most of all, I was struck with the reality of chronic illness. When you don't feel good physically, it can often make a huge impact on your mental health. I had struggled with depression in the past, but not for this long of a time period. I felt like my life was so stagnant and that I could never break out of my cycle of despair.
So I ended up moving out of my college dorm half way through the year and going back home to do school part time and focus on healing. I wanted to think of it as a time of recovery, but to be honest it just felt like giving up. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had let my depression win. I fell into a routine of doing nothing all day and barely getting through my school work (definitely not studying) and I went out with my friends less often. I now know these are common symptoms of depression; but all I felt at the time was broken. It was as if I was the only person in the world who couldn't get it together.
I won't lie and say it was easy to break out of this. Drinking tea or meditating isn't how I got to the other side (although these things can be helpful, don't get me wrong). What got me through was my hope for the future. My willingness to reach out to the people in my life and let them know I was struggling. I lived with my mom at the time and I can say she helped me so much in pulling myself out of the hole I had dug to hide in. The turning point for me was learning how to be excited about life again. This can feel impossible when you're in the grips of depression, but I can honestly say that it is essential for survival.
The only way to overcome your depression is to just keep going. Get up every day and do as much as you can. You don't have to do every-thing 100%. Celebrate the smaller victories, like eating breakfast or going outside. It takes time to heal and you have to give yourself credit. Nourish yourself and allow for set-backs. Depression isn't something you can just "get over." You have to find love for yourself and also forgive your brain. It can feel like it is betraying you and forcing you to feel this way, but sometimes your mind is only as strong you allow it to be.
It may take months or years, but there is no better feeling than finally starting to feel content. You don't have to be happy all the time, it is unrealistic to expect this of yourself. But one day you are going to be content where you are. I know I am. I still struggle sometimes with depression and it is unlikely that it will ever completely go away. But I can definitely say that I am finally content with my life. And there is no better feeling in the world.
You may still be at war with your depression, but that doesn't mean you can't win the battle. Don't ever let it defeat you.
