Please read carefully as I have meticulously mapped out a guide to help you ensure you never pay for food again. Warning: not all may have the qualities required to embark on this journey. If you’re not willing to whine, explore the city, and look a fool, then this is not the road for you. You must also be okay with eating from a limited, and often random food selection.
Weekdays: If you love to start your morning with a nice cup of coffee, make your way over to Ten Thousand Villages in Carytown. They open at 10 am and always offer free tiny cups of coffee. You may have to hover around the store for a bit if you’re trying to free load on a few cups, but it’s definitely manageable. To get some actual food, head over to McDonald's drive through - it’s close. Now, this may be a bit awkward if you don’t have a car, but either way should work the same. From here, you need to go through the drivethrough and order one cup of water. Then, you need to skip the payment window and drive straight to the pick-up window, where you will most likely be handed a bag of food. Hopefully you and the person behind you have similar taste. Dinner requires a bit more effort. Many places offer “kids eat free” options. Below, I have listed a few restaurants in Richmond that offer free children’s meals on weekdays:
- Qdoba on Broad
- Golden Corral on Providence road
- Jason’s deli on Forest Hill
All of these options are not simply free, but free with purchase of one adult meal. Also, note that these are all cafeteria style restaurants, where this operation would not work at a dine-in style restaurant.This is where the work comes in. For this, you will need to acquire children’s attire and put it on your body. You will need to look, walk, act, dress, and talk like a child until people believe you are one. Once you have mastered your act, you will need to go to the restaurant of your choice and wait until you see a childless adult ordering a meal. Try not to draw attention to yourself, but carefully slide into line behind them and look vaguely like you could belong to this adult. Stay close to them, but not too close to scare them. Order one children’s meal and ask them if it’s free with adult purchase. You already know the answer, but this let’s the worker’s know you’re interested in their deal and from here they will likely assume you’re with the adult in front. When the adult pays, avoid eye contact with cashier and move along close to adult. From here, you dash.
Weekends: Everyone loves a huge breakfast on the weekend, and it’s even better when it’s entirely free. To obtain access an entire buffet of free breakfast, you will need to wake up early and head towards your favorite Marriott or Holiday Inn. Personally, I enjoy the Marriott Downtown. Before you go, you might want to look up the hotel layout online, so that when you walk into the hotel, you look as if you are a guest who knows where they’re going. If you go with a large group of people, coordinating in matching sports attire could paint the image that you’re on a traveling sports team staying at the hotel, and therefore disguise you as a paying guests.
For lunch, you are going to eat healthy. Make your way over to one of Richmond’s many community gardens. For reference, there is one in Oregon Hill, one on Parkwood Ave, one in Churchill, and one at the Humphrey Calder Community Center. From here you will need to look around and grab whatever you see sprouting. If you’re lucky, you may be able to scramble up a nice salad from your findings! By dinner, you will probably be pretty hungry. This is good thing, as you will help you with your next task. Walk your way over to Caliente and ask to compete in the “stupid wing food challenge.” Eat eight flaming wings in under 30 minutes and win the god darn challenge. Go home and help your stomach out with a big glass of milk. If you have mastered one week of entirely free grubbing, give yourself a big pat on the back! You rule.
