Losing a loved one is never easy to deal with. The mourning process can be long, dark, and difficult, but acceptance is always just on the other side. We are comforted by the fact that those who have moved on will be remembered and celebrated and live on in our hearts and memories. We may be sad for months and even years, but for most of us, we move on. However, this process of mourning, celebrating, and moving on becomes so much more confusing when it is someone distant from us that has died. How do you properly mourn for people you never really knew?

My grandpa passed away in July of 2016. Unfortunately, we weren’t very close. He lived in Los Angeles, California, and I in Kalispell, Montana. I have pictures of us together when I was a toddler, but I only remember seeing him once 11 years ago when my family took me to LA for the first time. He sent me a card and $10 for my birthday every year and I’d call him to thank him and update him on my life. When my parents told me he was sick, they impressed upon me how important it was to call and talk to him, even though he was too weak to talk back. I called and told him I loved him, and about a week later, he died, with my parents at his side.

I remember crying when they told me, but I couldn’t understand my sadness. Was I sad because the end of his life was filled with pain and loneliness? Or because my father had just lost his dad? Or because I suddenly regretted not calling and talking to him more? My grandpa and I were so distant, and yet he had still been a constant, if minimal, presence in my life until now. I knew so little about him and his life, how could I grieve for him?

My parents had a service for him after he died, but I didn’t get a chance to honor him until eight months later when I had the opportunity to finally return to LA again. I was unsure of how to feel, how to do things right. I felt I didn’t deserve to be too sad because of our distance, but that I needed to feel something because he was my grandpa and it would be wrong if I didn’t because I’m sure he loved me.

It’s hard to put into words what it’s like to mourn for someone you didn’t really know. I know this won’t be the last time I experience a situation like this, but I still feel unprepared to deal with it again. It’s uncomfortable, because you have to admit that for whatever reasons, you don’t really know these people or their lives. The distance can be awkward and prevent you from expressing your emotions. You may feel unfulfilled in your grieving process, or you may not need to go through any process at all. I think of my grandpa every now and hope that I’ve done my best to honor his memory in the ways that I can, but there will always be a part of me that questions all I did and felt and if it was enough or even too much. There is no easy way to mourn, but sometimes the distance between us can make it all the more complicated.