Survival supplies- all of your books and notebooks and papers for every class (you’ll probably need all of them [no matter how heavy they are] at some point), sticky notes to remember when and who you’re meeting for breakfast and lunch and dinner, clothing (preferably), seven pencils and a sharpener (trust me a chipmunk will savagely swallow one of them whole and the rest will break), a jar to catch your tears, and a William Shakespeare blend of black tea (substitute with chai tea if you cannot manage this).

Step One:

Make it to your first period class. I don’t care if you only got a half of an hour of sleep. Whether you walk (like a vaguely “normal” human), sprint (this is the most likely option as your alarm will not go off), roll, crawl, or ride your majestic pet dragon, you’ve got to get to it. Don’t you dare skip. You probably won’t make it out of bed then.

Step Two:

Continue in a similar manner to the rest of your classes, writing your own obituary and designing your gravestone to keep yourself awake during classes.

Step Three:

Laugh manically and throw into the air all of the assignments for the five papers, six finals (even though you’re only one quad in), and two senior theses (doesn’t matter that you’re a sophomore) that you were just assigned today and are due tomorrow at 4 am.

Step Four:

Decide to live like Thoreau and run screaming into the woods never to return to civilization. Live off of possibly poisonous berries, learn how to sew dead leaves together for clothing, and make yourself a creepy campfire legend by the title of “The Student Who Could Not” (“… and he/she only comes to campus on misty nights with full moons and wanders around howling out one phrase : ‘I can NOOOOOT!’”)

Note: If all else fails, weep yourself back to sleep until 3pm, then drink five perfect cups of tea (brewed with your sweat, blood, and tears because this is the only thing you will accomplish today), and read depressing, angsty poems and books (I would recommend ……..) while eating Ramen with Chuhlula sauce. If you have extra time, Netflix is also a valid option [watch Merlin and amuse yourself with the number of times the phrase “It’s your destiny!” is mentioned]). Good luck, friend, you most likely won’t make it out alive.