In February of 2016, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I had put off scheduling an appointment for months, because I didn't want to admit that I wasn't okay. I was so used to living with depression, it was almost like I didn't want it to go away. I was put on an anti-depressant shortly after, and it took about two months to find the correct dosage. Although the medicine helps, it doesn't mean that the depression is gone. I have had to learn how to love myself and my depression, and here's how you can love me too.
For the longest time, I just shut everything and everyone out. My best friend and I quit talking, I fell behind in classes, I quit dancing for a while, I just wasn't happy with it anymore. I had to learn more about myself before I could let anyone in. This took a long time, and it was very difficult. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep, or consumed mind-altering substances. I was willing to try anything to feel any emotion besides emptiness. I found a guy, who I shouldn't have fallen for, but I was desperate. I needed someone to make me feel good because I couldn't do so myself. As expected, things did not go well and by the end of that relationship I spiraled down. I was alone, and as much as I hated it at the time I know now that it was much needed.
To those reading this, there are things people with mental illnesses want you to know. Please don't give up on us on our hard days. One day we might be "normal," and the next day we won't get out of bed. This isn't something we choose to have, trust me. If we start to push you away, just know that sometimes we need to do that so we can pull you closer. Sometimes we will say we are perfectly fine, and that is your cue to grab the popcorn and ice cream and binge watch Grey's Anatomywith us. Or maybe we just need to talk, and we don't need answers. It feels great to have a friend, or significant other, who can just sit there with us and listen.
Depression comes out of nowhere, when you least expect it. It's watching "Anchorman" and not laughing when Brick Tamland speaks at his own funeral. It's walking across campus, but staring at your feet the whole time so you don't have to talk to anyone. Depression comes when nobody wants it, and we need you to know that.
To those of you reading this that have a mental illness, know that you are loved. I know it gets frustrating sometimes, but bear with me. Pull your friends in close and talk, they won't get mad or judge you. In fact, they may be experiencing the same thing. Coming from personal experience, drugs, alcohol, and self harm won't make things better in the long run. Get help, no matter how much you don't want it. There are several different types of therapy and medicine, find what works for you. Learn about yourself, find what makes you happy, or what can help with frustration. Love. Love yourself, and love others, because someone will always love you.
(You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for free anytime at 1-800-273-8255)
Much love always,
Carriella
