Break-ups are really hard, especially after a serious, long-term relationship. It’s even harder when you live with that person.
For some ex-couples, you can simply break your lease and/or one of you can move out. However, when that’s not an option, for financial reasons especially, things can get really tricky.
This situation is what I’m currently experiencing right now, and I’m learning a lot about how to deal with this. Things are still raw and tense right now, so it’s a process and I will continue to learn, but here are the important points so far:
1. Set boundaries.
What possessions, spaces, responsibilities and times are okay to still share? Is food still communal? Will you still watch your favorite weekly show together? Talk about what you two are comfortable with. Redo your plan for chores and bills – everyone takes care of their own stuff and shares duties fairly and responsibly.
If/when either of you find somebody else, set boundaries for when that person comes over. For example, my roomie-ex and I have agreed that generally she won’t bring her new significant other around when I’m home, but if she does then she forewarns me, and we’ve agreed that they are going to spend the entire time in her room and not in communal spaces.
2. Share.
Know what possessions belong to who, and which of those can be communal while you still live together. For example, I own the television and half the kitchen equipment, and my roomie-ex owns the bed and the other half of the kitchen equipment. All of the kitchen equipment is communal; the television is communal but I get priority use; we moved the bed into the other bedroom and I got a new one. Things you co-own can be decided on or bought off each other later, depending on who wants it more or can get more use out of it.
Be good about chore and bill sharing. Work together on communal chores, but take care of your own messes and responsibilities. Don’t mix your laundry any more, don’t leave your things in each other’s spaces, don’t impede on in-progress chores. Set times when you can work on the bills together. You should be splitting everything evenly already, but if one of you owes the other for something, then deal with it as soon as possible or else resentment can arise.
3. Be respectful.
Remember that you both have to live in this situation, so be fair and kind to each other.
Check with each other before you bring people into communal spaces (especially if people might spend the night), before using or eating things that aren’t necessarily communal and before making any changes that could affect the other person. Just like living with anyone else, don’t be too loud or messy or intrusive.
4. Do no harm, but take no sh*t.
While it’s important to work this situation out for both of you, make sure to take care of yourself first. Don’t allow behaviors or situations that make you uncomfortable in your own home. If you have a problem with something they are or are not doing, talk to them about it in a peaceful, constructive way. If you find that you just can’t keep living with them, have that discussion with them so that you can both find other arrangements.
Over all, keep an open dialogue with each other about how to live with each other in the easiest and most painless, responsible way possible for both of you, because this isn’t fun for anyone involved. If you can manage to be good roommates, that’s awesome and I applaud you, and maybe through that you can be friends and work out a longer-term living agreement. If not, don’t beat yourself or them up about it – you can both try your best to make it work, but sometimes it’s just too hard, and that’s okay.
