I am a 25 year old mom, and spouse that works at an attorneys office full time. I'm a free spirit who loves the beach, new adventures, and talking to new people. Life is pretty good but I'd be lying to you if I said it wasn't hell getting here. I recently moved and found my old journals from when I was 11-15 years old. It brought back a lot of feelings that I had buried deep in the back of my mind. Back then, I wanted to end my life because I thought it would never get better, and here I am.. living in the "better". I wanted to share my story and how I ended up on the other side.

I self harmed from the ripe age of 11 all the way to 19 years old. I've come to learn that those who self harm, all come from different walks of life. My issues stem from an abusive childhood, both verbal and physical. Others may have struggled with their own childhood abuse, sexual abuse, trauma, social problems, psychological causes, etc. Where ever you came from, we all ended up in the same place, self harm. I was hurting emotionally and mentally from the trauma and abuse. I was so young that I didn't know a healthy way to cope and deal with everything, so I started cutting myself. For me, the cuts were so excruciating that my mind would focus on that physical pain instead of the mental and emotional pain. It was my way of 'checking out' of reality and getting a break. The first time I cut myself is a moment I will never forget. It was almost like letting air out of a balloon, it was this sudden relief. Self harm was my personal 'high' and it didn't take long for it to become an addiction. I proceeded to do it until I was 19.

So..... what changed?

Something inside of me just clicked once I moved out and started college. I realized that I had every opportunity at my finger tips. For the first time, I had the chance to change my whole story and be in control of my life. It did not all suddenly get better, but my eyes were open and that is when I decided to work on myself. A lot of trial and error happened but I have narrowed it down to the 5 changes I made to change my mindset and life.

1) Stop waiting on tomorrow and choose today

Nothing will get better if you don't put in the work to actually change it. I always thought it would get better once I entered into a certain time of my life. I was sure once I turned 18 and moved out that the depression would not follow me. I was certain once I lost 70 pounds that the self esteem I lost as a child would resurface. I was wrong. The problem isn't where you are or what you look like.. the problem is your mentality. I could move wherever, drive for as long as I could, and look like a curvaceous Kardashian but guess what? My mental state was the same. You've been put through some traumatic things causing you to think a certain way, the mind just needs a little TLC. Once you accept where you currently are, you're ready to work on where you want to be.

2) Start journaling and reflecting so you can recognize possible triggers

Being self aware is very important in this journey. Write down the times you start feeling anxious, depressed, or suicidal and then compare once you have calmed down and are in a good head space. You may start to realize that certain people, places, situations, and even food can be a trigger. Once you realize these patterns, explore different boundaries to use that will protect your mental health. Also, make a list of the things you like about yourself and the things you don't like. I will never forget when I read this quote from Pinterest, "If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living." - Archie's Final Project. That was like the ultimate mic drop for me. So I made a list and I focused on changing the things about myself that didn't benefit me in a positive way. For example, I wasn't good at accepting compliments without putting myself down due to being talked to negatively in my childhood. Now that I am aware of that, I only say thank you and I quickly move on before my mind can say anything negative. Once I am at home, I reflect on the compliment and take it in. It has worked tremendously. Do not allow the depression, lack of self esteem, or negativity to have a spot light in your head. There is only room for love and positivity now.

3) When you feel the urge to self harm, distract yourself and pour that energy into something productive

In middle school, I was told when I had the urge to cut, put a rubber band on my wrist and pop it. It didn't work for me personally, and honestly I did not understand the reasoning behind it. My goal was to stop cutting so why try to implement a strategy that is similar to cutting? In order to get that "high" and release for me to calm down, I had to feel like I was 'punishing' myself. That's when I started running. I hate running so much, whenever it would get to the point where I didn't think I could run anymore without puking or passing out, I made myself keep going. That is where that satisfaction of 'punishing myself' was met. Find something PRODUCTIVE to pour the negative energy and feelings into. I also picked up painting. I never really painted anything bright or colorful, all of my pieces were very dark and emotional. I would pour every sad-broken emotion into my art pieces and I felt proud afterwards at how cool they turned out. This process is all about growing and finding a hobby. You can't grow if you never step outside of your comfort zone, get uncomfortable, and try new things. Push yourself!

4) Be open and honest about your struggles to the people around you

I was ashamed for a long time about my scars and self harming. What I have learned is that this is nothing to be ashamed of, we all cope with life in our own way. It got so bad for me emotionally, that I was just trying to survive. I am proud of myself and the strength I had. I did what I had to do to fight depression and keep myself alive. You should be proud too. After I started talking to friends, co workers, counselors, etc.. I realized that every single person has their own struggle and we are all just trying to make it. Nobody's life is perfect. Find a friend, teacher, counselor, family member, anybody that you can trust and talk to them. There will be days where you just want an ear to vent to. Find your person, lean on them and also let them lean on you. We all may not understand each others struggles or ways of coping, but we all can provide support and an ear for listening.

5) Be honest and patient with yourself

Your struggles and past will always be a part of you, but they do not define you or your life. Just think of them as a tiny piece of a huge puzzle that is your life. There are so many pieces left to come and they will be great. You are strong, you are here and the opportunities are endless. Just remember that there will still be bad days, but that is exactly what they are.. bad days. It is not a bad life. Today will pass and tomorrow will come. So if you are having the worst day, be gracious to yourself and have a "you" day. Whatever that may be, whether it be sleeping all day and eating ice-cream or getting in your car and going on a 8 hour road trip. Do it. You are strong, you are brave, you are worth fighting for happiness. It's time to show up for ourselves, even on the bad days.

"If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living." - Archie's Final Project.

Once you manage your own feelings, be an advocate for self harm, mental health, and others. Be the person who makes people feel seen and heard, the person who shows up. No matter where, no matter what, no matter who, you're there no questions asked. Because you never know whose life you just might save by showing up and showing kindness. I like to remind myself to be the person I needed when I was 11. Be who you needed when you were in the middle of your own struggle.

Life is ever-changing, nothing is permanently promised. You are not chained down to your past and self harm forever. There is hope and it starts with yourself. I remember crying and wanting to kill myself multiple times over the years because I just felt unloved, unworthy, and like I couldn't go on anymore. I am now living a great life that I couldn't have even dreamt of. I met my husband in the midst of my journey to find a better "me". We now have a daughter who is the light of my whole life. I want to be a better person for my husband, my daughter and myself. I still struggle occasionally and have bad days. But the key is I have found a method that works for me and I have a great support system. Keep your head up and keep looking forward. It was hard and it is a time consuming process but the time you invest into your self will be well worth it. Practice my 5 Methods, go to counseling, read self help books, and start loving and choosing yourself.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 Hours: 800-273-8255

Text a Crisis Counselor at 741471