This is the most difficult (and possibly the most important) piece I’ve ever written. Although it’s been 8 years the fear and anxiety still make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I think about sharing this story. Self-doubt - like a long lost friend - creeps up when I think of the possibility that he might somehow see this despite being blocked from my life in every way possible. However, I am going to fight through those fears and insecurities because I know that they are all a lie. I share this not because I want to but because there are young, innocent girls (and boys) out there- just like I was- who need to hear it. It’s time for me to share my personal knowledge of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse (also known as psychological abuse) happens gradually over time. When this kind of abuse happens within a relationship it can be nearly impossible to be noticed from the outside and will usually be ignored by the victim. Emotional abuse in itself can have a long-term impact on the victim and often leads to physical and sexual abuse.
It is crucial that everyone is educated about emotional abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing these things it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Disclaimer: I will be referring the abuser with the pronoun “he” because of my own experience; however, emotional abuse can happen to both males and females by both males and females.
You begin to lose your friends and family:
It starts with the abuser making you feel like he is the only person who understands who you are and what you’re going through. At the beginning of the relationship this seems romantic- like you’ve finally found someone who understands. Slowly he will change from understanding to threatening, saying things like, “Don’t tell your best friend. You know she won’t understand anyway,” and, “Why would you talk to anyone else? You know I’m the only one who won’t judge you.” Over time his understanding turns to manipulation and you begin to believe that he is the only person who will understand you and accept you for who you are. If you find yourself feeling isolated from people who previously were your most trusted friends (or if you see that happening to one of your friends) the red flags should be going up.
Your appearance begins to change
Once the abuser has you convinced that no-one will love you except for him he begins to control little pieces of your life. For me, it was my appearance. It started with the occasional “loving suggestion” of what to wear, how to do my hair, and how to do my makeup. It escalated fairly quickly into insults like, “That shirt is so ugly. Why aren’t you wearing the one I got you?” These insults escalated into anger. If I wore makeup when I wasn’t around him he would get angry and accuse me of trying to impress other people. I was told to wear loose fitting clothes and no makeup when we weren’t together and expected to dress to the nines when we were. Eventually, my own self-worth was being controlled by him. No one, in any relationship, should be told how to dress or what to do. This control happens so slowly that the victim doesn’t notice the subtle changes.
You find yourself compromising your values and beliefs
The next level of the manipulation happens gradually as well. The abuser has a unique way of making himself seem smarter and making you feel unintelligent. He makes it seem that his beliefs are the only beliefs. After all, he’s the only one who loves you, so why wouldn’t you agree with him? Once the relationship gets to this point the abuse becomes more obvious. He openly makes you feel stupid for having your own ideas and beliefs. At this point the beliefs of the victim will mold into whatever the abuser wants them to.
Your Relationship is a roller coaster
He has two faces- the one where he is telling you how beautiful you are while he takes you out on a beautiful date and the one where he is calling you a "stupid whore" because you wore makeup on a day he didn’t see you. There are ups and downs in every relationship, but your lows are too low and your highs are too high. If the relationship is always at an extreme it probably isn't healthy.
You feel uneasy while reading this
In the back of your mind and the bottom of your heart you know you should feel beautiful, confident, and empowered. When you read these signs you thought about your own relationship. If you have any doubts and concerns it is better to end the relationship now than to risk the relationship taking a turn for the worst.
Your psychological health is more important that another person. The only person who should have control of your life is you. If the red flags are there it is time to get out. Find someone you trust and tell them your concerns so that you are not alone when you chose to end the relationship. You’re not alone. He isn’t the only one who loves you. You are beautiful. You are loved.
More Warning Signs
He is pressuring you physically.
He has a way of making you feel stupid and immature for not going further physically. I don’t care if it’s as simple as holding hands- if you don’t want to but he makes you feel like you have to, it’s time to leave.
Inappropriate age Difference (especially if you are young)
No well-intentioned 18 year old wants to date a 13 year old.
Friends and Family don’t approve of the relationship
Although the abuser may trick your family and friends into believing that he is a wonderful person it is likely that somewhere along the way someone you trust will notice that something doesn’t seem quite right. Listen to these people.
When I finally realized I needed to get out of my own abusive relationship it was almost too late. The emotional abuse had escalated to sexual abuse and was one fight away from physical abuse. I was left feeling alone, depressed, and lost. I have finally reached a place of forgiveness in my heart, and I can accept the fact that now my purpose is to make sure this kind of abuse doesn’t continue happening. Let's stop the cycle of emotional abuse together.
If you are afraid to leave your abusive relationship you can contact:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
