I have been blessed with the opportunity to hear many, many horror stories involving people in relationships. It can be tricky to navigate the mysteries of your significant other, but with much practice you can have a perfect relationship too! For the good of the people, I have decided to divulge all of my "how to have a perfect relationship" secrets. You are all welcome, my friends.

1. Throw respect out the window.

Once you have the relationship locked down you shouldn’t have to be nice anymore, right? If you don’t like how your significant other is acting then it’s probably okay to talk to them like you would talk to a dog that just ate your homework. Even better, don’t talk to them at all. The silent treatment always solves the most problems.

2. Stalk him/her on Find My Friends.

Don’t know where your S/O is? Definitely get on the Find My Friends app to find their exact address. If they’re not where they said they were going to be, it’s acceptable to drive to their location and find out what else they aren’t telling you. S/O won’t add you on Find My Friends? Easy, just get on their phone while they’re in the shower and add yourself. They’ll never even notice :)

3. Fight in front of your friends.

There’s nothing that strengthens your relationship more than when you have a classic show down with your significant other in front of all of your friends. It really lightens the mood of the party, and makes everyone happy to be around you two. The person with the snarkiest comeback wins!

4. Lie.

Everyones favorite piece of advice: what they don’t know won't hurt them! If you know what you have to tell someone will make them mad, just make something up. Works almost every time.

5. Tell him you’re more important than his fantasy football team.

A guy’s favorite hobby is supposed to be hanging out with his girlfriend, but for some reason guys tend to forget that around this time of year. It’s your duty as his girlfriend to remind him of what truly matters: spending time with you. Only you. Without anything pertaining to sports being spoken of.

6. Ask him “what’s wrong” more than once.

My boyfriend especially loves it when I ask him if he’s mad or grumpy or sad multiple times in a single night. It usually cheers him up right away after he tells me why he’s not acting “normal.”

7. Like other girls’ posts on social media, but never hers.

Girlfriends never notice or care when you act like you don’t know them on social media. They get especially annoyed if you ever like their post, or even post about them on your own account. They would rather you like all of their hot friends' posts. Better yet, post pictures of your truck that say “babe looks good today.”

8. Tell her what to wear.

Girls generally only dress to please you; this means you should definitely tell her when something looks bad on her, or if her shirt is too low cut. You should probably burn all of her yoga pants for her too, she wouldn’t want anyone to think badly of her for wearing something that’s cute and comfy.

9. Cancel plans.

There’s nothing a woman likes more than when her boyfriend cancels on her, especially right before she's getting ready to leave. She will be super excited to take off her make-up, and spend the rest of the night alone in her jammies. It’s even more charming when you cancel because you found something "better" to do.