According to popular opinion, most girls begin to feel lonely as the weather cools down. Choose a chilly Friday night in late October to bring a girl home from a college bar. Hold her hand on the walk home and squeeze it whenever she lowers her voice in a manner that suggests insecurity. Skip the small talk and ask her something personal. But be careful – the success of this entire scenario rests on your abiding by this particular limitation: you must stop at one question.
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After answering your question, she will ask you to tell her something personal about yourself. If it’s about your wildest dreams and biggest fears, tell her everything. Go into detail. Describe all those childhood moments that inspired you to reach for the stars and then admit to every adolescent heartbreak that made you fear the future’s uncertainty. Get emotionally vulnerable when you open up about how screwed up your big family is and how they used their money to pay for a life that didn’t have room for a child. Talk, in length, about the boarding schools and summer camps they sent you to with promises of adventure and your silent understanding that each expense just granted them the distance they needed to enjoy a life without you.
Once you get back to her place, and it has to be her place, feel free to end the conversation and initiate sex. During the act itself, make sure to look into her eyes once or twice – it’ll tell her that she’s not just a body to you; that it matters when it’s her in your bed. Once you’re done, whether or not she is, kiss her sweetly and start getting dressed. Tell her about how irritated you are about this early morning meeting you have tomorrow, which is forcing you to leave her lovely company so soon. Touch her cheek and kiss her lips for one to two seconds before exiting.
Text her the next morning and ask to see her again soon. When you do see her, she might ask you about your romantic past. If she does, list the number of girls who clung to you without realizing that your attention span doesn’t accommodate for clinginess. Tell her that you love how different from other girls she is, how she contradicts that neediness that always drove you crazy. Complain about how insane each ex-girlfriend got when you were honest about needing space to grow and find yourself. When you’ve run out of ways to paint yourself as the hero of each story, turn yourself into the victim instead. Tell her about that one girl who you believed was “the one,” before she broke your heart and cheated on you with your best friend. Tell her that it hurt so much that commitment is just not in the cards for now – but explain why that’s not your fault, it’s that of the bitch who chose to damage you. Tell her that she shouldn’t be disappointed by this lack of commitment because youth should be spent free of restrictions, taking advantage of openness and casual enjoyment. Make sure not to call it what it really is – an open relationship designed for hassle free sex with no room for emotional investment.
When you’re done executing each of these beautifully unique steps, do not, under any circumstances, ask her to open up about herself. Do not ask her to tell you about her biggest fears and wildest dreams, her childhood inspirations and adolescent heartbreaks, her past relationships and crazy exes. Don’t ask her about the experiences that have shaped her into the human she is today. Don’t ask her what she wants from youth; whether she even wants a relationship built on the fundamentals of liberation. Do not allow her to teach you about who she is, inside and out. Most importantly, if she tells you anyway – don’t listen.
