It’s a Tuesday afternoon, and I’m watching How to Be Single on HBO. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be another lonely single-life article like the last one I wrote. This article is much less embarrassing than that. There’s this reoccurring scene in How to Be Single in which Dakota Johnson’s character tries, and fails, to unzip her dress by herself. As any woman who has ever worn a back zip dress knows, it’s hard, but not impossible, to unzip yourself. It’s easier to get someone else to do it for you, but in the movie, Dakota literally can’t figure out how to get her dress undone and that’s always been ridiculous to me because it honestly isn’t hard to get the zipper down. I just wanted to shake her and yell, “JUST. UNZIP. THE DRESS!”

But, anyway, I digress. It’s a Tuesday afternoon, and I’m unreasonably angry that a fictional movie character can’t get her dress unzipped, when I start thinking about all the things I’ve had to learn to do since moving out on my own. Last night, it took me about 15 minutes to hook up a simple LG (not sponsored) DVD player. Literally, 15 minutes, and all I had to do was match the colors of the cords to the colors on the TV. It took longer than it should have and, I’m not gonna lie, I had to call my mom. My DVD player at home has always been attached to the TV, so I never needed to learn how to do it. It’s all set-up now, and everything works properly; is this what being an adult looks like? I’m just exaggerating for the lols. Of course, setting up a DVD player isn’t the equivalent of being an adult! You’re not an adult until you’re neck deep in debt and have forgotten what it feels like to be alive, right?

This year, there’s a kitchen in my dorm room/apartment so I had to start exploring in the kitchen. I don’t mean sexually, you perverts. I mean food-wise. I have learned that I am excellent at cooking unseasoned chicken. Like, damn, if you ever want to taste just the flavor of chicken and absolutely nothing else, I’m your girl. I also specialize in boiling water and microwaving frozen Atkins meals to create delicious chicken alfredo pasta in under 10 minutes. Earlier this year, my friend lost 15 pounds because she didn’t know how to cook. Her solution was to just eat less, not to actually learn. (Do not recommend.)

I’ve also learned that there is a limit to the amount of cheese that a person should eat.

But perhaps the most important lesson I took away thus far is how imperative it is to read labels. For the first two months of school, I washed my clothes in liquid fabric softener because I thought it was detergent. Two. Months. Now, I don’t mean to get gross here, but...underwear. Unclean. I’M SORRY FOR THE IMAGE I JUST WANTED YOU ALL TO SUFFER, TOO. Double and triple check what you’re buying, in all things.

I’m still growing as a person; there’s probably more that I’ll learn within this week alone. I’m not trying to be overconfident in my capabilities as a woman, learning her way in the world, but...move over Martha Stewart. Oh, and, in case you were curious, Dakota Johnson eventually figures out how to unzip her dress.