Dating is hard these days. I'm sure there are guys out there wondering what really impresses us, what holds our interest. Well, wonder no more! I'm about to tell you exactly how you can get a girl to like you, and if you really want - wife her up.

1.Take off your shirt… like as soon as you can. You want to show off your assets, those nice abs and toned arms you worked so hard for? She can’t see that through your neon Under Armor shirt. Take that off! Make up an excuse so it doesn’t seem too sketchy; for instance, if it’s even a mild day, insist that it’s hot out and casually peel off that pesky layer of clothing.
2.Pay for everything, even if she insists on going Dutch. Women love when guys pay for things, but of course in today’s PC world they have to assert themselves as “equals.” Not to worry, just keep on! If you’re on a date and she takes out her wallet, push her hand away and tell her it’s on you – that is, if she’s on you later tonight.

3.Tell your life story to complete strangers on the street. You want people to be impressed with you because, let’s face it, you are impressive. Most of all, you want your girlfriend to know exactly what she has, and giving out this information ad nausea to complete strangers is a subtle way of reminding her. For instance, if someone makes small talk about sports, tell them about the endless hours you spent playing them.

4.Brag about your abilities to her friends and family. Your woman wants to show you off, so when you’re out and you meet her family and friends. You can brag about your dumb achievements like the two years of mediocre jiu-jitsu training, and really exaggerate that black belt you got as a kid. If someone asks about your job, tell them how hard it is and all the effort you put into it. Mention that your superiors just don’t seem to understand your methods – that’ll really get them sympathetic, but still in awe of you.

5. Keep her from socializing. This is key. Your woman can’t have outside influences in this relationship. It’s only about you and her. No one else matters. Because her friends and family will try to take away those precious 12 hours a day that should be yours. Offer to take her out, but make sure her friends don’t come with, that would just ruin your effective manipulation. Tire her out whenever she’s with you so she doesn’t want to use what little free time she has to be with other people. If all else fails – beg. Whine, plead, and make her feel guilty about being away at school or work. Tell her how much you just want to be with her. This way, you’re the only friend she has.

6.Take care of her. I know this sounds weird, but bear with me here. If she’s sick, or has a major problem, take care of it/her. That way she’s in a major debt to you. The guilt will eat her alive. You wouldn’t dump someone who slept on the floor of a hospital 5 nights in a row for you, would you? You wouldn’t dump someone who drove half an hour in traffic to find lady supplies for you, would you? Exactly.

7. Let her know you could get any woman you wanted – just like that. Now that you’ve got her just where you want her, she’s vulnerable. Tell her that every woman you see when you’re out has made a pass at you. Tell her how many girls you’ve hooked up with before her, and how hot they were. If she really gets mouthy, compare her to a Playboy model or a Hooters calendar girl. This way, she thinks she’s got a real prize and feels like she couldn’t do any better. Because she can’t.

8. Yell at her in front of people. Every once in a while, she’ll read something or hear something that makes her want to be more independent. This CANNOT happen. The best way to remedy this is to wait until she makes a silly mistake anyone would’ve easily done and berate her for it. Or, if you’ve had a bad day, wait until she ignores you for the slightest second and accuse her of not caring. Really go over the top. Make sure there’s an audience as well, then she’s completely cornered and all she can do is wait until they leave.

9. Make her completely reliant on you. If she doesn’t have a car, drive her places. Cook her meals. Buy her things she normally wouldn’t. And make sure she thinks she can’t do without the things you give her, even if she can. Be sure she knows that she couldn’t do anything without you. This is basically an extension of number 6, but really drives the point home.

10. Insult her, tell her she’s worthless without you. She’s not ugly. You know this. She’s not stupid. You know this. She’s not useless. You know this. But she doesn’t have to. If she doesn’t know her worth, then you can milk it for your own good. Emphasize all of your previous insults, then apologize when she starts to cry. Even though it seems like you’ve lost the battle, you’ve won the war because those horrible, ugly thoughts are all planted in her mind. They’ll never go away how hard you or she tries. That’s how you remain effective control, make her feel as little as possible, then build her up and let her know how special she is. Since she doesn’t feel that way, she’ll think you’re special for choosing what she calls, “little old me.”

(Author's note: If you really want to get a woman, don't do any of this)