I’m sure you’ve heard “forgive and forget” or “you haven’t really forgiven them if you haven’t forgotten.” I think a lot of people believe in this, believe that you have to forget what someone has done to you in order to forgive them; you have to pretend that however they wronged you didn’t happen.

I personally always struggled with this. I didn’t understand why I just had to let people back in as if they hadn’t hurt me, as if they hadn't done anything wrong. What ended up happening was I kept getting hurt the same way by the same people. I realized the whole “forgive and forget” mantra was ridiculous. Why would you keep trusting someone who betrayed your trust? Why would you keep telling things you didn’t want everyone to know to people who tell everyone everything? It doesn’t make sense to just allow people to continue doing hurtful things because you have to be a good person and “forgive and forget.”

I don’t think “forgive and forget” is necessarily wrong, though. I think people interpret the saying the wrong way. I think the forgive part is applied to the person who hurt you: you have to forgive them for what they have done. I think the forget part isn’t for the person who has wronged you, I think that’s for you. I don’t think it means pretend what they did didn’t happen and go back to the way things have always been. I think it means to let go of the person and what they did, to not obsess over how you were hurt, to not dwell on the pain. The forgetting part is definitely for you, so you can move forward, so you aren’t stuck, so the person who hurt you doesn’t take up more of your time. It's so you can accept what happened and move on. It’s pointless to focus so much attention on the people you dislike; you should put the focus on the people you do like, the people who are trustworthy and good, so your life is better.

Forgiving and forgetting allows you the chance to not make the same mistake twice. So forgive those who hurt you, realize who they are, decide if you want them in your life, forget and move on.