I have come to learn that even when it seems like you have your life together, you, in fact, don’t. This summer was the perfect example of that for me.

Ever since I can remember, my grandmother has been in my life. She has been there for my brother and I, even through the hardest of times. A teacher for the Ponca City, OK school system, my grandmother loved helping children. More than helping her students, she loved helping my brother and I. She loved being a typical grandma, from ice cream to new clothes, she couldn’t help but spoiling us rotten. She loved being at every single one of our athletic events. I loved having her because she was our only grandparent that lived in Ponca City, OK, so we actually got to see her. Up until my senior year of high school everything was great. My family was together, I got to see my grandma every day, and I thought I had life figured out. But I didn’t, as we all clearly don’t in high school. The day after graduation I moved to Eureka Springs, AR and spent a summer there. I thought I was going to stay there and build my life there. Which I would have, but my grandma became ill. With this, and being so far away from her and my family, I decided to move back. However, I decided not to move to Ponca City, OK but rather to Oklahoma City, OK (which later turned out to be perfect). When she first became sick she was okay, she seemed normal and I had hope that everything would be okay. However, over the past year things got worse and really fast. Her cancer spread and you could tell she was just becoming weaker and weaker. But things started to look up for a while there, she got a little better, so I felt it was time to go back to school and get my life together. So I enrolled in summer classes, full time. Before classes started I got the pleasure of going on a road trip with my mom and grandma. Even though it may not have been perfect (which no road trip is), I had the time of my life. When we returned I thought things would continue to get better. However, my grandma’s health would just continue to get worse. In the month before school started, my grandma would go from being able to walk and talk, and do things on her own. To not being able to walk at all, and then in her last week not being able to talk. My grandmother passed just a couple days before my classes would start. I wanted to not take classes and be there for my mom, but she wouldn’t let me. Which was a good thing, but it made dealing with everything impossible. This is why I am helping you, this is the story of how I dealt with the grief in college.

1. Get The Call

Honestly, I have seen the movies and how they exaggerate the bad news calls you get. But in no way did they prepare me for mine. I woke up extremely early in the morning to call my mom and tell her happy birthday! I did not expect her to be awake at all, I was going to leave a nice message for her to wake up to. To my surprise though, my father answered and asked what was up. I told him that I was calling to tell my mom happy birthday and asked if she was awake. I remember him saying that they all were awake and that the worst had happened. I don’t remember his exact words, all I remember is noises. I remember it being like 2 AM and me getting out of bed and throwing on clothes and starting the two hour drive without thinking. I thought the call would be the worst, but it was far from.

2. The Day Of

I’m not going to lie. I don’t remember much from this day. I remember crying the whole drive to Ponca City, OK. I remember getting there and seeing my mom. My mother who is an amazing woman and is always emotionally composed in front of people, being in tears. I don’t remember this day because I spent the whole day focused on making my mom happy. It was her birthday. She lost her mom on her birthday. So I wanted her to smile and maybe still have a birthday. Honestly, I don’t remember if I made her laugh. Because all I can remember is I lost my grandma that day, the one day I wasn’t expecting it.

3. The Week After

After that first initial day I didn’t cry. I was so focused on starting my classes that I went into a mode. I call it my “zombie work mode," a mode I enter when I don’t want to let my personal life affect my work or school performance. So that’s what I did. I became a little Emilee zombie and went to classes and work and didn’t think about it. I became so focused that I let my classes take over my life. I became so engulfed in my studies I didn’t have time for much else.

4. Netflix

Yes. Netflix has it’s own section. And for one reason. It is the devil when you are going through something emotionally. For instance, at the time of all this I was watching the show Parenthood. A cute little story about a big family and their lives. It is a great show and I would definitely recommend. However, not if you just lost someone in your family. Every single episode made me a puddle of tears, realizing what had happened. It was like ripping off the band aid I had put on my emotions. So my advice… STAY AWAY FROM NETFLIX!

5. The Night Before The Funeral

My grandmother was cremated, because of this my family had time to fly in. I drove home not knowing what to expect. I hadn’t really sat down and cried since the first day. Her funeral being a month later I thought that it had finally hit me that she was gone. But it hadn’t. It really hit me when the family gathered for dinner the night before her funeral. I was so happy that everyone was together. My dad's side of the family finally meeting my mom's side and I was getting to see family that I hadn’t seen in years. It made me so happy, until I realized why we are all there. Then it hit me, my grandma was gone. I started crying at the table with my whole entire family. Nobody saw except my dad, who knew exactly why I was crying without even having to ask. But then I realized the positive, my grandma brought together two families that had never gotten to meet. Even in her passing, she was still doing good things.

6. The Funeral

The day of the funeral was here. From the second I woke up I was an absolute mess. I woke up late and didn’t have time to fix my hair. Which on any other day this would be okay, but that caused me to spiral into an emotional wreck. Then I sprained my ankle before we even left the house. When my parents and I left the house I regained my composure. I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry in front of everyone I knew, I would hold it together. The second I saw the church, the church we started going to only because of my grandma, I lost it. I realized she was gone, that I would never see her again, and that I was going to be a mess in front of everyone. When we got in the church we were instructed to meet the rest of the family in the dining hall. We got into the dining hall and I saw everyone who had lost her in one room. Her sisters, her brothers, her children, and her grandchildren. I contained myself for about a minute, until the funeral director asked if we were ready. Externally, I was like “sure, yeah," internally, I was screaming “NO” with all my might. So my family started walking upstairs, we walked in the room and the tears started instantly. Everyone was there. From co-workers of hers and former students, to her church family and people she had impacted. We sat in front of all of them. I was in between my mother (who was also uncontrollably crying) and my brother (the master of keeping tears in). When we sat down the tears kept coming because before me was this amazing picture of my grandma. She was in an adorable sweater in front of books, wearing her smile that I would never see again. That’s when the pastor started talking, I don’t remember anything he said, except for that he was pronouncing my grandmother’s maiden and family name wrong. What I do remember is my church friend Sarah singing my grandmother’s favorite hymn so beautifully it was like an angel was singing. I remember watching a slideshow of old pictures, seeing how beautiful my grandmother was, and how much she loved other people. I remember my grandma’s sister, Helen, coming up to talk about my grandma and choking up on stage, and saying such amazing things it made me wish my grandma could hear it. The last person to speak was my dad. My dad started by saying that my grandma wasn’t very fond of him at first, but in the end they were so close. He also read something she said about my brother and I before she passed. At this point I am an absolute wreck, when my dad says my grandma asked one last thing, for us to do the Hokey Pokey. It was the perfect end, because it made everyone smile and remember just how goofy my grandma really was.

7. After

After the funeral, everyone talked with us making sure we were okay. By this time I was okay because I remembered that my grandma isn’t suffering anymore and she is being sarcastic to someone making them laugh. We ate dinner with the family downstairs which was amazing, getting to see everyone loving each other.

8. Now

I am still not 100% okay. Writing this has proven that I am still dealing with it. But that is the thing, with people we truly care about we will never get over losing them. Hell, it doesn’t even get easier. But with time and family, you realize they are in a better place surrounded by people they love. Remember that someday you will get to be with them again too.