Let me start out by saying I love Thanksgiving Day. I'm a huge fan of shameless eating plates of food and being with family and then passing out in a food coma afterward. The passing out part is crucial because I have to regain my strength and energy for the real show: Black Friday.

As an outed shopaholic, I thrive on Black Friday. Sure, Cyber Monday is great and online shopping is more convenient, blah, blah, blah. Call me old school but there's nothing like the thrill of waking up at the butt crack of dawn and running around a Christmas decorated mall while "Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24 (Instrumental)" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra blares over the mall speakers as you're trying to get the best deals on sweaters and underwear. Malls during Black Friday are practically war zones so allow me, a seasoned soldier, to share a play by play of how to conquer and win the biggest shopping day of the year…

5:00 a.m. — Wake up

Yeah, you heard me. Rise and shine, sugarplum it is time to greet Black Friday and get your rear in gear! No time to shower, you're already behind schedule. Throw on a hoodie and your Uggs and grab a breakfast bar and shotgun a black coffee (to match the spirit of the day) on the way out. (If you're really experienced, you'll make overnight oats to bring with you on the car ride to the stores.) Make sure you have your purse, both your credit and your debit card, extra cash (you never know what'll decline), an inhaler, and any coupons/Groupons/discount codes you may have.

5:30 a.m. — Arrive at first destination

Park in the first parking spot you can get to and book it into the mall. It's go time, soldier.

**PRO-TIP: If you're smart, you'll print out a map of the mall and prioritize what stores you go to first. It helps to make a shopping list if you're doing your holiday shopping early. I ~guess~ it's helpful to budget yourself for today but just remember Black Friday comes only once a year so go ahead and treat yo'self!

5:40 a.m. to 6 a.m. — Store number one

Give yourself 15-20 minutes MAX at each store. Otherwise, you'll never get anything done.

**PRO-TIP Part 2: If you see a sweater at Forever 21 that you like DON'T BUY IT YET. Go to American Eagle and see if there isn't a cuter, cheaper sweater that you can cop. Put all items on hold and make a list of what stores are holding what items. At the end of the spree, go back to each store and make the final purchases so you don't end up buying eight grey sweaters that you just happen to like.

6:03-6:05 a.m. — Snap a pic of Santa in Santa's Corner

You don't have to be in it. Do it for the snap, ya feel?

Repeat until 8 a.m.

Make final purchases! Most malls will wrap your gifts for free so get it done early so you don't have to!

8:30 a.m. — Brunch Time!!

You officially conquered Black Friday so go reward yourself at a cute little brunch place. Good job, soldier.