Let me help you

So, recently, I went on Facebook and made fun of another man for his fascination with some of the women on my page.It really didn’t occur to me that most of my best social media friends are attractive women, and they do frequently speak to me. This male Facebook friend wanted to know exactly how that phenomenon takes place. I didn’t even consider the question. I’ve been with the same woman for almost half my life, and wouldn’t think of replacing her. Instead of thinking about it, I deleted him, and then showed everybody that weird conversation, just for kicks.

Yes, I know this was a penultimate asshole moment, but I’m prone to doing things like that, sadly. It happened before I could even consider the ramifications of what I was doing. Afterwards, I thought about the fact that some of these young men go into public places and just start shooting because they don’t know how to connect with women. That’s often a tidbit that comes out after the carnage ends and lives are lost. The frustration (and some assorted mental disorders) can often lead to tragic consequences.

Now, I can’t help people with mental problems, but I can give you a few pointers, fellas.

I had recently been taken to task by my best friend for verbally bashing what I perceived to be “idiots” on social media. This was different because I’m usually the one that has to talk himdown. But he was right. Instead of trying to find people to help out of their fact-free zone, I’d clobber them and embarrass them in front of as many people as I possibly could. So, I thought I’d write something to help confused young men connect with women. Here’s what I know…

Numero uno:You don’t know shit about women. Neither do I. That’s the best thing I can tell you in all of this. Please get that through your thick skull, immediately. You know nothing unless they tell you (and some of them lie, but only experience will help you know the difference) or show you (that’s the best way to find out the truth). Women are like snowflakes, or fingerprints. No two are the same. Meanwhile, all you dumb asses may vary in personality but you’re all pretty much the same, at least to me.

In other words, you’re screwed. You gotta take a couple punches usually before you figure out how to gauge a woman’s character. There’s no way around this. This is why you never go over the moon. Generally, I think women have better character than men. I believe this because they are the most marginalized segment of society, even beyond the boundaries of race. Diana Taurasi and Tamika Catchings are as great as Lebron James and Kobe Bryant, but if they played big bank take little bank, guess who wins? That’s a stark generalization, but I hope you catch my drift.

As far as honesty, women often can’t afford that. They don’t get to brag about their “sexual conquests”, so don’t ask. In most of those interactions, the man thought he was the conqueror, and your most often tiny male ego can’t stand to hear about it anyway, so don’t ask. Worry about what she does with you, and don’t worry about the last guy.

And stop thinking they want you to fix everything. They’re not Rapunzel, and you’re not a knight in shining armor. Just kindly shut the fuck up, and let them spout off. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer a couple of ideas to help her destroy her enemies when she’s done blowing her top. This is, after all, collaboration at its heart. Women love when you help them dismantle people that stand in their way, just make sure that’s not you.

Number two:How do I talk to women? Not like you talk to your male friends, but not too far from that. Just speak. Don’t be a liar. Women are people, they’re not toys, dammit. Pay attention. They’re just like your friends, except, you would like to sleep with them.

It’s not that hard, just watch and see how she gets down. Some women are crude and outspoken, and some are more timid and lackadaisical, but none of that is a barometer to whether or not she hangs in when the chips are down. But I can tell you this: most women like compliments. Don’t pour it on too thick, but if you like something, say it.

Later on, after you’ve made the connection, you’ll have to say what you don’t like. This will be a huge indicator of how things will turn out, but just remember, pick your battles. If you’re expecting a perfect person, prepare to come home to an empty house. And she is thinking the same thing.

The best way to talk to a woman is to LISTEN. Recall what I said about society at large, and the marginalization of women. What they want is to be heard. Don’t wait for your turn to talk, actually listen. Think about it, if you two do the same job, she makes 80 cents to your dollar. The last thing she wants is to come home or go meet some asshole that still gives her the 80/100, even in private. If you successfully grasp this concept, you have a woman that will listen to you when you speak.

Number three: Where do I take her when we first meet? DINNER, fool! Never, ever, EVER take a new interest to a movie. NEVER. Why? Because you have to sit there quietly for two hours with somebody you barely know. You didn’t learn a damn thing, and even if the movie is good, you still lost the night. TAKE HER TO A RESTAURANT. A place with servers. Let her know beforehand that’s the plan. Even let her pick the place, that way you can’t lose. She’s going to enjoy her meal. And insist on driving. That way, you can get a couple Long Island Iced teas or margaritas in her while you listen over appetizers. That’s how you get her loosened up. You get ONE BEER, because you have to drive. If she doesn’t want to ride with you, tell her that’s a deal-breaker.

Explain you have a duty to transport her safely to and from this event. Sorry it didn’t work out. If she hesitates and relents, tell her to keep her best friend on speed-dial in case you turn out to be Jeffrey Dahmer, in which case I hope you die a horrible death yesterday. Don’t be offended by her trepidation; there are a lot of psycho-freaks out here.

Listen a lot, and if she isn’t much of a talker, that’s when you have to wing it, and get her talking. Just be yourself, since that’s what she’s going to get if she decides to go for you. Tell her some things about you, and see how she reacts. Maybe you build a bridge, maybe you don’t. Follow your gut. If it goes well, you’ll know. If it doesn’t, remember, women outnumber us.

If the dinner went well, don’t get too excited. Don’t go inside, even if she’s a little uninhibited by the drinks you bought her. If you’re wondering if she really likes you, then ask, right there. Not over the phone, do it in person when you walk her to the door. Make fun of her welcome mat, I don’t know. Just keep in mind all of this is simply an exercise in gauging somebody’s reaction to you. There is no perfect process for this. It’s all about what you’re looking for, what she’s looking for, and if the two notions match up.

I got lucky. I’m a happy guy, but I’m still free to be an asshole. There are some people you can’t do that with, though, and I’m just telling what I know to help you meet them. If everybody’s life was like mine, a lot of the problems of the world today would disappear. I wish that for everybody, so this is my contribution. If you want to be a playboy, this story is not for you. If your goal is to bag a bunch of women, I can’t help you with that, and I don’t understand that at all. But if you want to come home to your very own woman every day, then you have to get one thing and hold on to it: you have to be some woman’s very own man.