Are you low on gold doubloons? Or do you simply want three wishes in order to end world hunger, poverty, and discourse? Well, you better act fast because March is the month of the Leprechaun. Believe it or not, but 5% of all proceeds for Saint Patrick's Day goods and supplies go to leprechauns in need. To have a successful encounter with a Leprechaun you must first locate, engage, then firmly yet civilly request your three wishes.
Listed below is a step-by-step guide to courting the elusive Irishmen.
Locate An Irish Rainbow in March.
The most difficult step in any relationship is it's beginning. Beginning a relationship with a leprechaun is no exception. There are no guarantees, and most of the time is spent searching for an end. If you come on too strong you risk burning a bridge. So, don't get discouraged if you cannot spot a rainbow right away! You have the entire month of March to find one!
NOTE: The only known population of Leprechauns lives at the end of rainbows in Ireland. If you happen upon a Leprechaun in another countries rainbow, be careful as it may be a vindictive sprite or a short middle-aged con-man.
Calculate the distance to each end of the rainbow.
There is an app for this.
If you don't have a smartphone, a protractor, thermometer, sundial, a level, and calculator will do the trick.
Check both ends.
Once you've measured the diameter of the bow, you must act fast. Rainbows are fleeting creatures, much like their inhabitants. Do a thorough sweep of the first end before proceeding to the other end, and check in between the blades of grass. A four leaf clover is a sign a Leprechaun is near.
NOTE: For a double rainbow, this process is twice as long, and twice as fast.
Act Casual.
Once you spot a small red-haired man in a green tailcoat it is important you keep your cool. You don't want to come off as rude by demanding anything, because although a leprechaun has to grant your wishes, this does not mean they will grant them well. Leprechauns can warp the words of any wish into something nasty if they want to.
Perhaps start out with casual small talk. Compliment their rainbow and hat and buckled boots. Ask them about football. Make eye contact but not too much eye contact or you'll give them the creeps. Keep your distance and do not touch the leprechaun unless you want to lose a finger (although you can wish for a new finger).
Do not under any circumstances mock or mimic their accent or do a jig — this is considered the most heinous insult.
Bond.
Once you've proved yourself a respectable person, don't be afraid to be bold! Ask that leprechaun out to a movie, or grab some beers and crack open a cold one with the boys. Share secrets and create a genuine connection by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with them. Share your favorite songs, play never have I ever, make matching T-shirts.
Show 'em a good time! Most people forget that Leprechauns get lonely too.
Passive Aggressive Negotiations.
Now comes the awkward part but you have to do it: ask for your wishes. You only get three so don't bother wishing for more wishes. Make sure you don't ask too soon or your bonding phase will seem shallow and in-genuine. Do this firmly yet civilly. Remind them of the Leprechaun Code of Ethics.
Resist the urge to raise your voice or get defensive, as it is likely the Leprechaun will resort to taunts, misdirections, or jabs; after all, they've been playing this game for thousands of years. Despite any tension which may arise out of negotiations, remember that this leprechaun is doing YOU a favor, and you should show humility in the face of charity.
Vaguely promise to hang out again sometime.
Something along the lines of "Oh... my friends and I might go to this house show next Friday if you wanna come..." should do just fine.
