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Politics and Activism

How to Buy Condoms (And Look Cool While Doing It)

Sometimes it can be tough to be your normal, cool, suave self while buying protection.

Holden J. Bernstein

Jan 22, 2018

Boston

679

How to Buy Condoms (And Look Cool While Doing It)

Pexels

Step 1: Enter the drug store

Dramatically, of course.

Step 2: Sneakily tip-toe to the "family planning" aisle

Because that's how the cool folks do it.

Step 3: Pick out your favorite box

Want an intravaginal condom? Rad. Penis condom? Awesome. There are just so many options, but you've gotta choose one!

Step 4: Dance your way over to the check-out counter

Because, again, that's how the cool kids do it.

Step 5: Make direct eye-contact with the cashier, push the box forward, and say "Just these. Please."

Gotta be slick.

Step 6: Pay for the condoms

$$$

Step 7: Dramatically make an action that says "PHEW, that was CLOSE!"

Because PHEW, that was CLOSE!

Step 8: Realize that you just bought condoms, and that makes you a really cool person.

And it really wasn't that bad. Buying condoms can be an adventure if you do it right (like the cool kids).

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Recommended for you

How to Buy Condoms (And Look Cool While Doing It)

Sometimes it can be tough to be your normal, cool, suave self while buying protection.

Step 1: Enter the drug store

Step 2: Sneakily tip-toe to the "family planning" aisle

Step 3: Pick out your favorite box

Step 4: Dance your way over to the check-out counter

Step 5: Make direct eye-contact with the cashier, push the box forward, and say "Just these. Please."

Step 6: Pay for the condoms

Step 7: Dramatically make an action that says "PHEW, that was CLOSE!"

Step 8: Realize that you just bought condoms, and that makes you a really cool person.

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There are plenty of obstacles that come when taking care of kids, but it's a very rewarding experience.

1. You get excited when the parents purchase season passes to the pool.

2. You've become friends with the stay-at-home moms in town.

3. You get a chance to eat "kid foods" again.

4. You've traded in your cute purse for a large tote bag.

5. You have at least one car seat in your backseat.

6. Their nap time is your happy time.

7. Lunch time can be a disaster.

8. You have to play the same board games repeatedly.

9. You catch yourself using the same lines your parents once told you.

10. Your "mom-mode" kicks in at times.

11. Your heart melts a little when they do something cute.

You'll never find any souvenirs with your name on it

1. You know you are up next when the teacher pauses while taking attendance

2. When “I’m going to do my very best to make sure I know all your names” is said, it may or may be an empty promise

3. “Wow! That sounds so cool! Where is your family from?”

4. You dread when people ask you to repeat your name over and over because it “sounds so cool when you say it”

5. There’s a 50/50 chance that your name will come back either correct or incorrect at Starbucks

6. People try to find shorter, easier nicknames for you instead of calling you by your actual name

7. When someone famous or fictional character shares your name, you get so happy

8. “What’s your name?” “It’s [name]” “I’m sorry, what was it again?”

9. You’ve pretty much seen every misspelling and heard every mispronunciation of your name throughout your life

10. When you find another person with an “ethnic” sounding name, you both get excited

11. Despite the struggles, your name is pretty unique… just like you

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

Don't Be That Person

1. “Oh, so you/your family are immigrants!”

2. “Is Puerto Rico near Mexico?”

3. “Do you speak Puerto Rican?”

4. “You look too light/dark to be Puerto Rican.”

5. “Do I need my passport to go to Puerto Rico?”

6. “Geez, you are obsessed with your flag. We get it, you’re Puerto Rican.”

7. “Why are you so loud?”

8. “So does your family know English?”

9. “Oh my god, Puerto Ricans are so spicy.”

10. “So did you eat a lot of tacos?”

11. “Are you Mexican?”

Love hard, every day, and never be ashamed.

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