Preface: This is a work of fictional poetry exploring the stereotype of artists and art students alike and in no way, shape or form represent my personal beliefs or the general beliefs or appearances of all artists.
So you want to be an artist but you don't know where to start? Let the internet tell you how with this 5-step Stereotype of How To Become An Artist.
1. Develop Poor Hygiene
Artists don't shower because as soon as they do they will just get dirty again so try and wear your filth with pride! Don't worry about the mess around you either because as an artist you are constantly making art and the graphite stains on your pillow case may just one day hang in a contemporary art gallery one day but be careful, just because you aren't cleaning up after yourself doesn't make everything you touch art - just most of it and the other parts can continue to be worked on as you continue your journey as an artist.
2. Do Drugs
DMT, LSD, and PCP are drugs you should become well acquainted with as an artist since you will need to really explore the inner darkness of your mind to become successful. Hemp will only get you so far so you will have to push your mind and your body in unnatural ways to get the best reactions.
3. Become Well Acquainted With Your Local Tattoo And Piercing Artist
As an artist you obviously have to like, love, art and what greater form of admiration for the arts than permanently engraving your body with it? Now, your pieces don't have to mean anything and to you because that's just how dedicated you are to the arts but if someone asks you will be required to make up a quick 8-10 minute speech about the deeper meaning of the piece and it's validity to your life using some trauma you had as a child. This will make you seem even cooler than you already are because you can handle a needle jabbing at you for hours at a time. Try to avoid popular pieces like Starry Night on your sleeve or a Botticelli thigh piece to avoid anyone knowing more than you about the piece because all artists should maintain the image that they know everything.
4. Any Chance You Get Protest Your Beliefs
As an artist you will have to develop a deeper relationship between your personal art and the politics that will surround you as a citizen of the United States of America. That means actively engaging in protests and producing propaganda. You've got to get your inspiration from somewhere and what is more inspiring than your liberalist hate for Donald Trump and the electric chair (Which you think would make a great allegory for America's future). Besides, any excuse to put on your denim jacket and political pins and walk through the streets of New York City with signs depicting Adolf Hitler with a blonde comb-over you are all over!
5. Become a Painter
We all know that paint is the only medium a true artist uses and in order to become one you have got to master it. Don't worry, it's easy! All you have to do is wave the brush around a little, call it nonrepresentational and you, my friend, now have the credentials to begin your very own expedition at the Smithsonian! Just act cool when people ask what your inspiration was and bullshit your way around the question by asking what they "get" from the piece and then allude to a deeper meaning.
Now you're ready, go out and become the next Picasso you poser-ass wannabe and make something G-R-E-A-T!
