Growing up, I was very much like my mom. She is very social, outspoken, and definitely not shy in any way. However, as I near the end of my college career, I have become more like my dad, who is not shy, but does not see the need to put himself in social situations unnecessarily.

I was a social butterfly for most of my life, especially freshman year of college. Even in high school, I was friends with people in different cliques. I enjoyed being around people as soon as I started making friends because I spent most of my elementary school years learning how to make friends. It wasn't the best of the times.

I was teased a lot growing up. People would wipe their hands after touching me because they would be grossed out by my skin color. I guess I couldn't really blame them; I have lived in Caucasian-dominated areas for most of my life, so most of the kids had probably never seen a brown kid before. Some kids just thought I was weird and didn't notice my skin color. I just had to make friends, somehow, though. So, I picked up on something: kids teased people because everyone likes being the person who can make everyone else laugh. And, I realized I was funny. I could make people laugh. And, it worked.

People wanted to be around me because I could make them laugh. I don't know if all of them really wanted to be my friend per se, but I was just happy that people actually viewed me in a positive light. But, this all spiraled into something worse: believing that I could only attract friends through my humor. It became a game of constant stress thinking that without my jokes, no one would want to be around me. At the end of it, though, I was just viewed as the class clown who made people laugh.

But, this need to impress people got to me. For almost 13 years of my life, I have been stuck in this phase of impressing people, of wanting people to like me, of wanting to have friends who would share their love for me on social media. And, because of this attitude, I would put myself out there so much for people, but I wasn't reciprocated the kind of love I deserved. Freshman year, I would go above and beyond for some of the people I considered my closest friends, but most of them have never texted or called me after freshman year ended.

I also had this need to make brown friends because I had never really had any (there is one, but we never talked about "brown stuff") growing up in the areas that I did. I would want to go to "brown" social events and felt this need to impress them, make them like me, etc.

Last year, during my sophomore year of college, I received a text from someone who asked me why I wasn't as social anymore. Ironically, that person had not made an effort to connect with me after freshman year but he/she was a person I had sacrificed a lot of time for.

But, don't get me wrong. There were a few friends from freshman year that I am still friends with and I never feel the pressure to impress or always make them laugh. It wasn't until sophomore year, though, that I really met friends that it felt good to be around. I didn't feel like I always had to impress them or make them laugh or put all my energy into them. They just liked me the way I was.

I didn't mean to tell a sad story. I'm sure there are kids who went through worse things growing up, especially bullying. But, it does help me put a perspective on accepting things the way they are. If you notice yourself putting in more effort into someone than they are into you at all times, then drop them. I think I do some have attachment issues now; I'm too wary of getting very close with people, but I am blessed to be surrounded by good people. That's why I don't feel the need to be super social everywhere I go. I think it's fine to spend Saturday night by yourself watching YouTube videos. There is only so much of you in one body, and the first person to have a right over that is you.