Let me pose a question: what is the first thought you have when someone mentions Russia or being Russian?
Answers I've heard tend to range from mail-order brides to vodka. Things in-between include snow, fur, and Putin.
My entire family is Russian. I spoke it before I spoke English, I've grown up eating the food (or rather, being force-fed the food), hearing the loud music, and watching the dramatic shows. I've lived the life. What I am coming to learn after 18 years is that being Russian is an art of some sort. There are many character traits one must acquire, and many experiences one must have before being a true Russian. It's like being initiated into a secret club with ridiculously specific beliefs and guidelines. I have recently experienced a phenomenon in which I have found that every single Russian person I meet can relate to very similar experiences that they consider to be primarily Russian. I figured I would write an article for those who have always wanted to be Russian, but never quite knew what the proper steps were.
...Do those people exist?
1. Grow up wearing tights under your jeans.
This one is mainly for the girls... and maybe a few boys with especially stubborn mothers. Every morning in the winter is a battle for a young Russian child as their mothers force them into knitted tights under their pants to keep them warm. *Disclaimer- this actually does keep you warm but the idea of it is entirely ridiculous and super logistically annoying*
2. Deeply believe the cold air makes you sick, not germs.
Every Russian mother believes that the minute you walk outside with wet hair is the same minute you develop Pneumonia. To this day my favorite and most biologically sound argument to counter my own mom's lectures on this is to calmly explain how people get sick when it's cold, not because of the cold, but rather from being inside all day with other germs.
3. Take black bread and kielbasa sandwiches to school.
Your friends will make fun of you. They will ask why there is only one slice of bread. You will be that weird Russian kid. Embrace it.
4. Know a MINIMUM of 10 men named Boris.
They will marvel at how you've grown since you were an infant and they last held you... and then offer you a shot.
5. Adopt vodka as your drink of choice.
You have to commit to this one, no self-respecting Russian can even say the words Tequila or Rum, let alone drink them. It also has to be good vodka and you must be able to drink glasses of it straight.
Sincerely,
A long-time Russian
