They say being a mother is the hardest job. If you think that's hard, try being a stand-in mom. Babysitting isn't as easy as it seems. Sometimes we forget to pick a kid up from soccer practice. Sometimes we accidentally put a child in the oven instead of the frozen pizza, thus burning them alive and forcing us to leave a note saying "sorry- killed your son" on the refrigerator. These common mishaps, though seemingly trivial, can sometimes leave a lasting effect on a boy or girl. If you're new to babysitting and don't quite know the ropes of caregiving, don't you worry. I've carefully constructed a list of advice for all of you rookies so that you don't mess up everything and end up jobless/homeless forever and ever.
1. Movie titles can be VERY misleading- always proceed with caution.
I was unfortunate enough to learn this the hard way when babysitting my little cousins over the summer. Please heed my advice: NEVER put on The Human Centipede for small children while you leave the room to cook macaroni and cheese. Despite its playful title, the movie is actually a heinous account of a deranged scientist who sews people's body parts together.
2. Always check for allergies, and always make sure you know what constitutes a "nut".
How many children need to die of allergic reactions before we realize that pistachios ARE considered nuts? (only 3 in my case).
3. Bed Time is fascist.
What are you, Big Brother? Kids inherently know when they are supposed to sleep. Let them decide for crying out loud!
4. Do not take naps in your employer's bed while they are gone.
You aren't getting paid to let kids run wild while you doze off! Also, getting caught doing so could lead to a potentially uncomfortable confrontation with your boss.
5. Take advantage of your temporary power.
It isn't every day when you get to exert total control over people. Channel your inner Mussolini and crack the whip!
6. Have fun.
Being responsible is important, but what's more important is enjoying yourself. Have a beer and kick back- you deserve it. After all, you are enduring a pretty straining job.
Whether you're a real life mom or just a nanny, taking care of kids is tough work. Just know that it's okay to mess up sometimes; like most humans, you probably can't do anything right (from time to time). What you can do is try to improve yourself each day by listening to my perfect advice. Remember, it's for the children.
