Back-burner – postpone consideration of or action on.
You probably see where I’m getting at here. Ever feel like you’re on the “back burner” in the relationship, ya know, always put last, only needed when you provide a benefit, or you are wanted because it’s convenient? Don’t stress, you are not the only one. I’m not talking about relationships specifically but generally, friendships too.
If you know how this feels, it sucks.
Now there are a lot worse things you can be called in a relationship/friendship (cheater, kiss ass, mooch,..the list goes on), but being the “back burner” is probably one of the worst feelings and experiences one can even go through.
I know there are excuses as to “Oh, I’m just too nice” or “I like to be needed,” but stopbeing too nice and start putting yourself first. Here are four ways (of course not limited to four) to avoid being the back burner in any type of relationship.
1. Focus on your needs and wants before anyone else's.
“Back burners” are known to put off their own schedules to fulfill the needs of others resulting in them becoming stressed and upset with nobody but themselves. Break the cycle. If someone needs a favor from you, make them wait. If someone needs to borrow something of yours, make sure you do not need it. There is nothing wrong with doing favors for people until it becomes excessive like they are asking for the impossible. By doing this, you are creating a gateway for other people’s feelings to come before yours which is anything but healthy in a relationship. Soon you’ll find yourself trading your happiness just to please someone else. Break the cycle before it becomes one.
2. Make yourself less available.
Making yourself “too available” could be a curse or a blessing. If people notice that you will drop what you are doing to do something for them, they are more likely to use you. (Just remember, not everyone is as nice as you are). Fill up your schedule or make an agenda for yourself of things you need to get done. If you honestly do not have anything to do, make excuses. This may be against your morals because it’s technically lying, but you should ask yourself if you really want to tend to the needs of others at the moment.
3. Express how you feel.
Honestly, confrontation on this topic is awkward. Most people don’t even realize they made you the “back burner” friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. So when it’s brought up, most people will have no idea what you are talking about. Isn’t that what friends are for? They are supposed to be there for you in times of need? Wrong. These are not times of needs; they are times of wants. Stand your ground and speak for yourself before you become the norm “back burner.” If whoever you may be confronting just does not get it, or may be in denial, ask yourself, “are they adding value to my life?” or is it just a one way street.
4. Surround yourself with people who just want to be around you.
This pretty much is self-explanatory. Most people think they are stuck, but guess what? You have a choice. You have the power to pick and choose who you want to be surrounded by. Feeling like a “convenience” to a certain someone? Ditch them. It does not matter how much history you had with the person or how much they mean to you. Anyone that close to you should know that you are worth way more than a “back burner.”
These steps may/may not guarantee people will change, but in reality, most people don’t. Remember, not everyone is as nice as you.
