"I'm sorry."
Maybe you learned these words for the first time when you took a toy from another kid at daycare. Maybe you mumble these words when you accidentally bump into someone while grocery shopping. Maybe these are words you hear when someone has hurt you (or maybe they're the words you wish you heard, anyway.)
Why do we as humans say, "I'm sorry"?
And why do we crave an apology when someone has wronged us?
My theory on it is that, "I'm sorry" is a universal phrase which means "I notice you," or "I value you," or "I know what I did/said was wrong."
It validates us as people, gives us the right to our feelings and respect, and allows us to see when someone else has done something wrong.
So, in other words- yeah, it is pretty important.
Without these words, as humans, it would be harder for us to accept ourselves and others as flawed individuals.
For example, if your mom had never scolded you and forced you to say "I'm sorry" for hitting your little brother when he just really-super-got-on-your-nerves your whole entire childhood life, then you and your little brother may never have understood that hitting is not the way to go about things when you are annoyed. There would have never been a sense of vulnerability to reinforce that sometimes as humans, we mess up, and (in most cases) that's okay, as long as we learn from it and know what we did was wrong so we don't repeat it.
And while "I'm sorry" seems like the most basic building block of life- like most people should have had apologizing down by the time they graduated kindergarten- we still, as young adults and adults, encounter those who never apologize. Whether it's out of pride, or just blatantly being blind to the fact that they were wrong, you will not always receive an apology from those who have wronged you, even if you know you are 100 percent right.
The repercussions can stem to plenty of things depending on the situation, but regardless, when we don't receive an apology that we view as rightfully ours, our self-confidence is questioned. We get angry, hurt, or upset. We question our stance on the matter, which can even affect our decision making later on in life. We seek approval from others, needing their opinions on things that may not involve them. We obsess over the injustice that was, not getting an "I'm sorry" from the person that hurt us. Sometimes, because we obsess so much, we seek their constant approval or attention because of the lack of compassion they have shown by not apologizing and noticing us as living human beings with feelings that are just as valid as their own.
The important thing to know, is that even though you may deserve an apology because you were right, these repercussions are unhealthy and are only hurting you. I have been in plenty of situations where I have waited for an apology I never got, and because of it, gave out chances that weren't deserved because of the attention and love I didn't receive from people who didn't respect me enough to say "I'm sorry" in the first place. When you wait for an apology and are upset when you don't receive one,I promise it is hurting you way more than it is hurting them.
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Here are 3 tips on how to heal from an apology you never got:
1. Just because someone doesn't admit their wrong doings by apologizing doesn't mean that your pain is invalid.
For a long time I thought that if someone didn't say sorry, it meant that I didn't get to be upset. I had this fear that they would think I was crazy- so I let things go that really shouldn't have been let go and continued to get hurt. Allow yourself to be angry. Be upset. Draw boundaries. Think hard: an apology isn't going to erase whatever happened. If what happened isn't really that big of a deal, then I'm sure not receiving an apology isn't that important. If it is a big deal, then ask yourself, "Do I honestly want someone in my life who can't admit when they're wrong? What problems could this character trait of theirs present in the future?"
2. Their lack of remorse is not a reflection of who you are, but of who they are.
Know your feelings, life, and beliefs are important. Then, step away from the situation understanding that just because the other person may not see you this way, doesn't mean what they think is true. As long as you know who you are and what you're worth, that's all that matters. Their lack of courage to admit their wrong doings says a lot more about the person they are than the person you are. Deep down inside, they will realize that sooner or later.
3. When you wait for an apology, you are putting the power to heal into someone else's hands instead of your own.
Do you honestly want someone who lacks compassion or empathy to get to decide whether or not you get to be okay again? Or when you get to start feeling better? After knowing you deserve better and allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling, you have to begin the process of letting it go. This can involve talking to friends, family, or a counselor to receive validation in how you're feeling. It could involve praying, involving yourself in activities that make you feel good about yourself, or cutting off relationships that repeatedly put you in these situations. Whatever it is, you have to come to a point of looking at this as a learning experience as a person. Grow from it and make any changes necessary.
You are so much more than two words. You are so much more than "I'm sorry." Stop putting your validation into an apology and start healing now.
