Growing up, I would often think about the future. I thought about what house I would have, what car I would one day drive and even how many pets I would have. Rarely as a kid did I ever think about marriage. After seeing my own parents explosive relationship and watching theirs crash and burn I was not even sure I wanted to experience the same heartache and grief that they did. As I got older and listened to the harsh words of others I almost felt extreme anxiety at the thought of me never falling in love. It made me panic to think that maybe I was not meant for anyone at all. I started to think I was just going to die alone.
Once I got into college, my anxieties rose even more. Classmates that I graduated with in high school were getting married and having kids it seemed every single day. As I went on further into my degree again, I could not go through my Facebook feed without seeing pictures of a friends new and shiny engagement ring or someone holding up a positive pregnancy test with a beaming smile. I was jealous. There is no way to really sugar coat it quite honestly.
I started looking for love myself and trying to force relationships that just would not work. Time and time again I failed. One day finally after a really hurtful "relationship" (I use the term very loosely) ended I finally did what I had not done before. I got down on my knees and prayed to the Most High God. I told Him that I knew that he had someone in store for me down the road and that if I stopped searching He would show me the way.
God time and time again showed His love for me in the grace He showed me when I would stray away from what His plan was. I realized that to Him I am perfect because He made me. Feeling a love like that cannot be described.
Through prayer alone, I slowly started to become more and more comfortable with the idea of being alone. I made more friends and my grades started to become the grades I knew I could achieve. I knew that God had my path under control and I worried less about my future. I found love in the friends I made in school and I know that no matter what they are there for me. I love each of them like a sister/ brother. God opened my eyes up to that very fact.
Not to mention or disregard the love God already had shown me in my own family. I knew they loved me and they cared. However, that was a given. They are family. The love of a family is totally irreplaceable! I love each of my family members and I appreciate what wonderful things they have done for me.
Finally at the end of last semester, I feel like my prayers and faith in God had been answered. While I admit, he was not anything like I had pictured as perfect for myself. I knew God knew best. I fell head first into something different, and something totally scary. He makes me smile on my worst days through his goofy and sarcastic humor. We can sit together in a room that is totally quiet and still be together.
I knew from the moment I met my boyfriend that we were meant to be. He was recently saved through the blood of Christ and I know without a doubt he loves God. Something within me told me this was the real deal. He is the one. I continue daily to pray for my boyfriend and my relationship. I know that even though we have huge arguments sometimes that God is going to keep us together as long as it his will. We continue to learn new things about each other and we balance each other out.
I do not think three years ago I could of appreciated a relationship like we have. The heartache I faced led me to my knees in prayer and I feel like that was a very pivotal moment in my own walk with Christ. Once I began to see life as a journey and not a race to "one up" someone I became more content. I learned what it was like to love myself and that was the final moment when everything really fell into place.
My advice for other girls out there who have the same outlook as I did is to love yourself. Seek out Christ first. Seek out other friendships and learn to fellowship with them. Appreciate what you have now and the rest will happen later on. No matter what even if you do find that relationship, keep actively seeking Christ. Do not stop your walk just because the "Unlovable" became loved.
