A college friend asked me not too long ago how she and her significant other could survive a long distance relationship. My own boyfriend during this time was studying abroad and opted to live a semester in New Zealand. Consequently, I hadn’t seen him in six months, almost double the length we dated pre-distance. When my friend asked me this in the wake of her own boyfriend going abroad, I had too many thoughts to answer in any specific terms (mainly I was still nervous for my own relationship and didn’t feel like I could give any concrete advice on the subject). Since then my boyfriend has come back to The States and, seeing as we are stronger than ever, I feel like I can now at least talk about the things I learned from this experience. Who knows, maybe some of you can relate or, like my friend, get an idea about what you are getting into!
1. Communication is Key...
Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. I never really knew how true that was until the person I was communicating with was halfway around the world! Talking to your partner is extremely important in establishing what you expect and the amount you are both willing to put into the the other person. In the case of my relationship, this practice made sure that we were on the same page from day to day and week to week. Being open and willing to express your thoughts on certain positions is imperative to making sure that the expectations of each other and yourself are upheld.
Going along with this is honesty. I learned to never hide the way I was feeling with my partner, whether about the stresses of life or the relationship as a whole. If you are nervous about something, tell them. If you are annoyed, tell them. If you mess up, tell them. If you suddenly miss them so much you want to cry, tell them. Any emotion that you are feeling they will also probably feel at some point. They may even be feeling it now! In our case, being comfortable in presenting my emotions and feelings (and his ability to do the same) allowed for our relationship to grow stronger than it was even before this experience.
2. But It Shouldn’t Need To Be Constant
I know I know, I just said that talking to each other is one of the most important things that you can do, but that doesn’t mean you have to talk to them every moment of the day. We had a little help with this in that the time difference made it almost impossible to have a full day of conversation. I personally struggled the first month without my partner. I felt like the way to make up for him not physically being there was for him to be on my phone. Slowly I began to realize the importance of cherishing interactions. I noticed that the days we talked without tons of texting beforehand allowed for newer, deeper, and more fulfilling conversation, as we hadn’t already shared every moment of our week together. It also kept me looking forward to our Facetime dates, as I was excited to tell him the stories of my week. That leads me to the next thing I learned…
3. Date Each Other
I don’t mean just keeping the relationship labels alive, I mean actually date each other. This was imperative in keeping our fulfillment levels up, as spending time in a ‘date’ mindset allowed us to feel like we were actively participating in the relationship and each other’s lives. Early on, we established two days a week where our free time overlapped and we reserved those as our weekly facetime dates. These were a chance to catch up on events, laugh about silly experiences, and relay how we were feeling about each other. After one of these sessions, I always felt recharged and ready to continue in my life with the knowledge that we still loved each other. This also allowed me to focus on school and other important things with something to look forward to later in the week.
Note that dating isn’t just limited to facetiming, it’s whatever you want to do. You can watch a movie online together, play a game, or anything else that makes you feel like you are spending time interacting as a couple. At one point my boyfriend and I even walked around Paris using a Google Earth service. Just change it up and keep it fun!
4. Live Your Own Life
While my boyfriend was in New Zealand, he was still a large part of my life - that doesn’t mean that he was my life. Even pre-distance we encouraged each other to live our own lives, it’s part of what made our relationship so special to me. That was something that expanded in meaning once we were on different continents. I was aware that I had to focus on myself and the experiences I was having while he was gone, and wanted him to do the same. This meant that we were going to change as we both had new and influential times apart. It also meant we would be different people upon reuniting. We were both nervous for this transition, but it was clear to us that this was a time to work on ourselves. The good news is these efforts paid off! Time to figure out where we stood in our own lives allowed us to evaluate the importance of each other in them as well as discover they were enhanced by the other person’s presence.
5. If You Love the Person, It’s Worth It
This is the bottom line. If being with the person is important enough to you, all the things that you have to go through will be worth it. You may even find a deeper understanding of your partner and your reason for loving them. That first meeting with my boyfriend gave me so much joy and reminded me of why we did this in the first place. Now that he is only a short walk away from me, I can fully appreciate every moment that I get to spend next to him. Simple physical expressions towards each other have gained so much meaning, and I know that what I learned in this experience will continue to be part of our future relationship. It is clear to me now that this is an experience I would never change.
