So I was driving around, doing a little bit of my holiday shopping (OK, avoiding my holiday shopping) when I passed by the illuminated green Starbucks coffee sign.
Fun fact: did you know that the Starbucks logo is actually a topless mermaid? Mind. Blown.
Recommended for you
I pulled in with my semi-beat up car, and parked simply because my window was too broken to roll down. I walked inside and placed my order for a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1 percent, one quarter non-fat, extra hot, split quad shots (1 1/2 shots decaf, 2 1/2 shots regular), no foam latte, with whip, 2 packets of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon.
At first I felt impatient, standing with my arms folded and body shaking from caffeine withdraw. But the barista with blue hair and an eyebrow piercing called out my last name, so I eagerly ran to the counter. Just as I was about to take it, a large burly man with a construction vest on sidled over and grabbed it, so I retreated. How was I supposed to know it was his? All the red cups look the same! The angry way he looked at me for threatening to take his daily does of Starbucks was terrifying. He stood up straight and tall, and I thought this was the end.
But he walked out, his big feet thumping as he went. No harm done.
I started to drive down the long stretch of busy road, my evil looking red cup clutched in had. That’s when I watched as one of the cup’s very own kin rolled across the asphalt before taking off in the wind and flying toward the car next to me. The little old lady bent over her steering wheel spotted the attacker, and swerved to avoid the dangers that would precede from this cup. Her car veered off to the left with a loud screech veering right at me….
And the red cup passed, and we pulled straight and kept driving on with our day. No harm done.
I arrived back at my house, coffee cup in hand. Setting it down, I went around the kitchen looking for snacks while blaring music from the sound system. I scattered a plethora of nuts, chocolates, crackers, and maybe a few leftover jelly beans across the counter. When I was done raiding the pantry, I turned grab a quick sip of my coffee. I almost screamed as I saw that horrendously red colored cup clashing with the back-splash in my kitchen.
So I quickly moved it, of course, before a color clash catastrophe occurred. No harm done.
Walking outside, I passed a cute little farm with brown oak fences entrapping a large field full of cows and sheep. I stopped at the edge, still sipping on my coffee. A few of the animals strutted over to where I was standing, reaching out their necks in hope I’d have something tastier than the yellowed grass.
That's when I noticed that one cow in particular spotted me very quickly. It was galloping towards me, and in that instant I realized it was a bull. That’s right: a bull caught sight of my Starbucks red coffee cup and was charging with a vengeance. The other animals cleared out as the bull flashed its horns and aimed into my soul.
And it trotted over to a daisy, crunched it on up and pranced away. No harm done.
As you can see, the new Starbucks coffee cups are a serious threat to mankind everywhere. This is a horrendous issue that no one is talking about, and it’s vital we solve it before the younger generation is hurt. Think of the children. Step up, and demand that the old Starbucks cups come back — because these ones are too much of a hazard.
Oh, and when I went to take sip of my coffee form Starbuck’s new red cups, I kinda burnt my tongue, and couldn’t taste the Chipotle I had for lunch later that day.
That's the real tragedy here folks. Can you say harm done? Now that's what I call dangerous.
