I have always been tied to an anchor that drags me down into an abyss of darkness and pain. Two years ago, the abyss became darker and darker; I was abandoned by someone who had made a promise to protect, support, and love me. I was no stranger to physical infliction and it only made sense to do so once I was broken. The dark and twisties became the theme of my life. I felt as if I were a jigsaw puzzle and my pieces had been scattered around a ginormous room. Soon, waking up trembling in sweat while crying became a normal night for me. Some days I would cry for my mother to come and lay with me in my bed until I was sound asleep, it was as if I was a little child scared of the Boogie Man - only, the Boogie Man was my reality.
I would be well kept in my hibernation, the black curtains would block out the only natural light source that could remotely foreshow in the dark cave that I made my safe haven. There were multiple attempts from my loved ones, who would try to talk some sense into me and tell me all the cliché lines after break-ups: "he wasn't good enough", "you deserve better" - and my personal favorite - "everything happens for a reason." Up until recently (being about a month ago), I called complete bullshit on "everything happens for a reason", I questioned my faith and constantly argued inside my head that if things happen for a reason then I am guessing this is the reason I am not going to wake up tomorrow morning. I now think of how far I have come in life; I've had people who have loved and cared for me without fault, especially my little sister, and for that, I want to tell her thank you.
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My little sister has no recollection of my struggle with depression and I would like to keep it that way until I feel she is old enough to understand. Growing up, my little sister was my life. She was my sister, daughter, best friend all in one. Our siblings were envious of our strong relationship but as tie went on, she realized that having your big sister as a best friend was lame. No matter what, I still saw her as my perfect little angel (even after she became a pre-teen).
Two years ago, when the break up of a lifetime happened I spiraled out of control. I would harm myself and take any meds that I could get my hands on. One night, I went to the store and got a bottle of Motrin and went back home to my room. Out of nowhere, it hit me, I felt like I could not handle any more pain and that I would take a whole bottle of Motrin and my prescribed medication, Lexapro. I took around 15 Lexapro pills and about half a bottle of Motrin, hoping it would let me fade with a little time. I was somehow caught by my parents and after getting me to forcefully throw up, my dad called me to the living room. He hit me with the truth and the notion that I needed to pack a bag - I couldn't be trusted. I was confused as to why I would need a bag until my father informed me that I was to be taken to get help...Obviously I knew he was trying to get me institutionalized. I pleaded and begged for him not to take me, I turned to my mother hoping she would save me from this nonsense.
She didn't.
My mother supported my father's decision. My father soon brought up my little sister, "How do you expect her to feel when we tell her you are gone and not coming back?", "What if she were the one who found you dead?", and "What if it was her who pulled this?", I got a wake-up call. My eyes filled with tears and soon glistened upon my cheeks as they fell down my face, I told my dad that I could never put her through that. I somehow got through to my father because he knew my little sister was my weakness. He agreed to let me stay home, but I had restrictions. My parents became my medication holders and gave me all my prescribed medications when I was supposed to take them.
I was not happy, but I was better.
Whenever I felt that I should be a coward and take the easy way out, I thought of my little sister. How could I ever find it okay to disappear out of her life so suddenly? After much needed time, I have finally grown from that experience and I have learned to appreciate life. I am not in the best place now but I have come a long way, and I only have room to grow. I now believe things happen for a reason, if it weren't for my little sister, I wouldn't have become a teacher and met the amazing people that have entered my life unexpectedly. Although my family does not live near me anymore, I have gained a new support system: Rylee, Tori, and Parker. They may not be blood, but they care for me just as much.
