Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was filled with joy, sorrow, happiness, and tears. I was young and it was very much unexpected.
Music is a big part of my life and it has been ever since I was little. I would dance around my living room listening to Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul. There was something about it that always captured me and drew me in. Having this in mind, I would play the song Make You Feel My Loveby Adele every night before bed with headphones gently resting above my pregnant belly. I would drift off and think about the life I had created and be in a place where there was so much love and compassion.
Then, out of nowhere, something horrible happened.
I developed preeclampsia.
Preeclampsia is a terrible thing. For all of you that do not know what it is, it’s a fancy word for your body trying to reject your baby. Your body goes into a shock mode and wreaks havoc on your organs. It can lead to the mother's death and fetal death if not diagnosed early. It's something that no mother loves to hear.
I went into induced labor a month early, and after hours of trying for a natural birth, I had to get an emergency cesarean section. My son was not doing well and not responding to my contractions like he should have been. But when I first saw him I was high from all of the medications that I was on for pain - I was not feeling the things a new mother does. My husband was weeping and telling me how beautiful our son was. I was so jealous I didn't feel the emotions he was. "What’s wrong with me?" I would constantly question in my head. My baby was sent to NICU for further observations and tests to see how good he was doing.
I felt so awful and that is not what a birth should feel or be like. I spent a few days in the hospital in and out of consciousness from all the medications I was on from the delivery. He stayed in the NICU for a day longer than I was expected to leave. After bringing my son home I was alone with him one night and he was getting restless from not being able to sleep.
So I played our song.
He instantly stopped crying. He looked up at me and smiled his first baby smile. As I sang the song, tears were falling from my eyes. In that moment, I had the feeling that I had wanted for so long. I finished the song and he fell asleep in my arms.
Post-partum depression changed my life. God knew in that moment that I needed a sign or some kind of help. He worked miracles within my heart that night. What I thought was the worst moment in my life turned out to be such a blessing in disguise. It drew me closer to my relationship with God and I have this undying love for my son. Something I thought I would never have.
