The hard-to-swallow truth about sin is that it is rooted in our heart. It wouldn't be easy, but if you discipline yourself enough, you may be able to cut out drinking or stop yourself from going "too far" with your boyfriend/girlfriend, at least for a little while. But that is our problem. We tend to opt for behavior modification, rather than being real with why we sin in the first place. No one wants to sit down and think about the gap we feel in our hearts, but we know our desire to sin never really goes away. Perhaps its because sin has rooted itself in the deepest area of our hearts. Sin is our selfish intention that leads us to both the good and bad things we do.
I wanted to write about grace, but the fact of the matter is, grace is so much more than you could ever just read or hear about. Grace must be experienced. We need to come to terms with the fact that sin does not discriminate. Sin will invade anyone's life if left defenseless. Sin doesn't look a certain way. You can't pick out those who are struggling with sin versus those who aren't in a crowd. Sin has this malignant quality about it-- it will grow uncontrollably, invade other areas of your life, and eventually lead to death if it doesn't undergo radical, immediate treatment. Sin is like a tumor that you may barely notice at first, but over time, it grows and becomes much bigger. Once you finally became aware of its growth, it has spread to other areas and has begun to destroy you from the inside out.
For five years, I struggled with pornography. And for five years, I told no one. When I first encountered it, I knew it was harmful, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I let the problem multiply uncontrollably until it began to overwhelm my life. It had spread to others areas, affecting the type of music I listened to and the TV shows I watched. But when I started to get worried about how it had affected me, God revealed to me how big of an issue it had become. He brought to light the long-lasting effects, and I knew I needed help. I needed healing. I needed God. When we go to the doctor, no part of us doubts that they are there to help us get better, but when we go to God, why does part of us doubt that He's for our good? Just as we have 100% trust and confidence in a doctor's ability to heal us from any illness, we need to learn how to have 100% trust and confidence in God's ability to heal us from our sins.
As most would assume, I was ashamed of my sin. I would think to myself, "Dang, I hate this part of me. I messed up. This can't happen again." But the problem with this mindset is that I avoided the root of the problem.
Sins are similar to weeds growing in your yard: they are poisonous to the grass and unsightly. Some sins are obvious, meaning both you and others can see them. This is actually quite helpful though because others can spot them and help you get rid of them. But like the dangerous weeds hidden in the grass, some of our really dangerous sins are hidden by the way we portray ourselves. The hidden weeds are hard to get rid of for two reasons. One may be because we don't know they are there until they've done some major damage. The second reason is because they are often closer to the soil. Our hidden sins are harder to kill off because they are personal. Deep down, we all hate weeds, but too often, we try to get rid of weeds the lazy way. We just cut them down, or we might spray a chemical over them. We don't want to do the hard work and pull them up by the root. This is how I dealt with my sin for a long time. I didn't want to deal with the root of the issue. I opted for restricting myself from listening to certain types of music and watching certain TV shows. And attempted to portray myself in a certain light. I tried to counterbalance my sin with serving in the church. But time after time, I kept seeing my sin come back up. I would get so frustrated when these two methods failed, but I didn't know what the solution was. I just kept cutting away the surface of my sin and covering it up with "righteous deeds."
But then God stopped me. He showed me that I was never really in control of my sin at all. That the one thing I never thought I would struggle with was the one thing I had become a slave to. God broke me of pride. He shattered every bit of confidence I had in myself and rebuild my faith in Him. He rid me of proving my self-worth through religious activity and self-control, and He showed me grace. He ripped the sin out of my heart by the root, and He kept it from growing back. He took away my shame. He guided me to the truth of my sin... There was a gap between God and I which I had longed to fill with things of the world. But, it was like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with an eyedropper. It was never enough. I was always left empty. And God's grace came in like rain after a five-year drought. It was all I had longed for. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel grace, to be showered with grace, for no other reason than He loved me. He picked me up and carried me from a place of effort-driven grace and sat me in the courts of grace-driven effort.
Our effort in everything we do begins with God's grace. Once we have seen how loving and forgiving God is, we should desire to tell others of His goodness. No matter what your past might be, know that it will never be "too much" for God to overcome. God can use the most unsightly parts of us and turn them into a story of His love and mercy. Our hearts should be MOVED; for at one time, we were DEAD in sin and now, we are ALIVE through Christ. We should daily sit and soak in the grace God has rained upon us.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
