This article is mainly for the new freshmen who are utterly baffled by the mysterious and sometimes intimidating college girls. So here, my younglings, are some helpful tips so you don't have to go through college looking like a fool.

1. Talk to her boobs

Doesn't matter her eye color or the fact that she hasn't shown any indication that she wants you to come talk to her. If she's got a shirt on that doesn't cover her collarbones, she wants you to come talk to her and you'll really impress her if you only talk to her tits and show her that you appreciate her 'assets.'

*cringe*

2. Follow her around

Doesn't matter if you're going into the GAG or at a party, follow her around. Show her that you care and that you want to be near her.

3. Definitely message her on social media

Don't ask for her phone number in person! Go on Facebook or Instagram and find her and then like a couple of her really old pictures. Maybe put comment little emoji's (hint hint, the eggplant is really flattering if you know what I mean). Then, message her with a great opening line like "I can't stop thinking about that tight top you wore today." She'll really appreciate your comments on her clothing, and your opinion of how she looks in it.

4. Don't give up!

Playing hard to get is just her way of seeing how interested you really are. Don't stalk, but don't be afraid to stare at her for a few minutes from across the classroom!

5. Cologne

Nothing says "virile-college-male" like a whole bucket load of cologne. This is your way of advertising yourself! Make sure she can smell you long before she sees you so she can prepare herself for all of your stunning glory!

6. Invade her personal space

Sit really close next to her at lunch and when you got to talk to her put your face really close to hers.

7. Ignore the headphones

If a girl has her headphones in, it's all an act to find the aggressive, confident males that aren't going to stop a little thing like headphones stop them from invading her personal space and starting a conversation.

8. Mansplaining

You already do it naturally, but ramp it up a little. In class, if she asks a question like "why is it always so cold in here?" this is the perfect opportunity to show that you know how AC works and she will be totally turned on by you treating her like an idiot.

9. Be possessive

Text her and ask her why she hasn't replied to your message. Make sure you comment on her clothing every day you see her (see number 3). Definitely glare at any other males that dare to even glance at her.

10. The golden rule: Comment on her weight

You can always win with this one. If she's wearing a hoodie, go with "that makes you look a lot skinnier than a tank top" or, if she's working out, "I've got a great program that'll help you lose that extra fifteen pounds." Can't lose.

I can almost guarantee that if you follow these 10 steps you will have no problem ever finding someone to have sex with ever again. Because you will probably be castrated or in jail. You want to know how to pick up a girl? Go say hi. Introduce yourself. Ask for her notes. Most of us are really nice. We don't bite. At least not in pubilc.