Hello and welcome to How to be Petty 101.
In this class you will learn the steps on how to be petty. And although it is a most hated art form you may find that you are more petty than you thought. (Disclaimer: This is supposed to be humourous)
First off in order to be petty, you must know the language.
Things like "Iconic" "savage" " and "triggered" and according to dictionary.cambridge.com:
"Iconic: relating to or characteristic of a famous person or thing that represents something of importance" (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/engl...)
"Savage: (of an animal) wild and fierce, or (of a remark or action) violently cruel" (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/engl...)
"Triggered: to cause something to start:" (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/engl...)
A note on "Triggered" it also comes from a trigger word meaning a victim of PTSD may have flashbacks to a time of hurt or fear. And in order to continue to be petty, one must exaggerate everything, hence why "triggered" comes about.
Secondly: You must become a master of subtweets.
Have you been living under a rock? If you have never heard of twitter, much less subtweeting. How are you alive? Essentially subtweeting is when someone is upset or wanting to cause drama and essentially indirectly call someone out on the way they make you feel. Think Rihanna or Kim Kardashian -- Someone like that.
Thirdly: Judge, Judge, and Judge again.
You don't like that sweater? Form an opinion and shun someone about it. Oh, that's not a Patagonia? What a loser. The style isn't to your liking; forget about it. It's that easy, forget all "deep emotional meaning" and go for the superficial and BOOM. You're petty.
Fourthly: Make it your business to butt into something you have no authority butting into.
For example, a friend is talking to a mutual friend about a song or a style of music, one that you don't like, so naturally a petty person would rag on the person's style of music when they have no idea why the original person likes that style.
Finally: You must take everything personally.
It doesn't matter what it is, the world is against you, and everyone must know it. Everything offends you; you must be triggered by even the mention of "Donald Trump" or the word "conservative" or virtually any subject that makes you annoyed. Unfortunately being offended often stems from being insecure, but I am sure you can get past that and pretend to be offended at things. Honestly, it's an endless cycle of sensitivity and fakeness.
Does this all make sense? Did you relate more than you thought? That's all it is. Pettiness 101. And you'll pass the class easy as pie.
