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How Not To Get A Second Date

All of these tips and tricks are foolproof.

Delly Chollet

Nov 21, 2016

Fairfield University

Intoxinated

Things can get weird on the first date, but if it's going well, definitely follow my guidelines on how not to get a second date.

1. If you're late, definitely say, "Sorry, my mom wanted to take a picture of me in my suit." That implies that you're a momma's boy and also the fact that you live with your mom. Honestly, just keep bringing up your parents. At that point, it's guaranteed that you won't get a second date.

2. Brag about how you just got promoted to store manager at Stop & Shop. Don't forget to tell us also how you can support us financially. We will not be calling you back.

3. Tell us about all of the weird and probably gross things that you did as a child. Really, please! Don't forget about that story where your cousins dared you to sit in a pile of fire ants butt naked and you did. Just keep talking, don't let us get one word out. There's a 100 percent chance that no second date is even wanted.

4. Take an hour to decide what to get for dinner. "I'll have the Penne a la Vodka ... wait actually the Chicken Alfredo ... wait actually, I need a few minutes." That will show us that you're not good at making any choices! It's also probably why you're wearing two different socks and flood pants.

5. If you already know that you don't want a second date while getting ready, wear all of the flashy things that you own. Definitely wear that giant Hermes belt and tuck your shirt in as far as it goes so that everyone can know that you belong in a tool belt. Also, totally wear those diamond cufflinks even though we're going on a totally casual date.

6. Make sure that you pour the whole bottle of cologne on your body. Literally everywhere. There's nothing more appealing than getting a whiff of Armani every time I put my fork in my mouth! This is a great idea.

7. My last tip of how not to get a second date is to make sure that you drink a cup of coffee right before, then lean in seductively. Except it totally won't be sexy because you'll smell like you haven't slept in 12 days and you're trying to make it up with an absurd amount of caffeine. That'll totally guarantee you won't be getting any soon.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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How Not To Get A Second Date

All of these tips and tricks are foolproof.

Subscribe to our Newsletter

#Adulting is hard.

1. Taking care of yourself when you're sick

2. Making a to-do list

3. Planning your activities around the weather

4. Scheduling your own doctor’s appointments

5. Getting your own toilet paper

6. Making food without needing to ask your mom questions

7. Holding your tongue

8. Saving your paycheck (or your tax refund) to pay your bills

9. Balancing your checkbook

10. Going places alone

11. Packing your own lunches

12. Actually eating your vegetables...on purpose

13. Taking a multivitamin

14. Planning a life after graduation

Sometimes bigger isn't always better.

1. If something happens, everyone knows about it

2. Never getting to be invisible

3. Knowing every single thing about every single person in the town

4. New kids are a big deal

5. It’s hard to make new friends

6. On that note ... the dating pool is even smaller!

7. Teachers are weirdly close to their students

8. It forced you to make friends out of school

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

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