I’ve been in the service industry for 13 years now; I’ve seen basically all of it. I’ve spent many tiring days and late nights behind the bar watching a room full of people either enjoy the company of their friends, and loved ones, or sit staring sadly at their phone or straight ahead. I’ve talked to people about their life, relationships, traveling, family, their drinking problems; and I can honestly say I’ve given some good advice. I’ve seen the excessive partying, the puking, the cheating, the fighting, the drugs, the sing alongs. I’ve even seen the after math of someone shitting on the bathroom wall; more than once (it’s common believe it or not). I’ve cut people off, I’ve been called names, I’ve had people try to attack me, been continuously interrupted and somehow managed to remain a decent person. I don’t do drugs, and barely drink. Some would consider me boring. A friend I met through bar-tending once told me he’d rather “slam his dick in a window then hang out with the Gina behind the bar”. Funny thing is I totally agree with him; I do forget to smile sometimes. I’m a good bartender, but my soul has been exhausted from the human race. There are only a few bartenders I’ve worked with that genuinely enjoy it, those humans concern me. So here my friend, is a few tips on being a “good customer” from our side of the bar.
1. Do not walk in to a establishment and grab your own menus. You’re immediately labeled a douche bag.
2. If your children are screaming; PLEASE TAKE THEM OUTSIDE.
3. If your party plans on splitting the check please tell us at the beginning... Seriously.
4. If you ask me a question and I begin to answer you, WHY are you interrupting me? Please stop that...
5. If you wave your Keno ticket at me one more time, I will have the urge to bite your face off.
6. Do not ask me to make your drink strong.
7. In your right mind, do you think it’s okay to give me shit about asking for your ID?
8. If I walk up to your table and you blatantly ignore me I will stand there for 9 uncomfortable seconds, then walk away.
9. When I finally return to your table after being ignored -- don’t ask me where I’ve been.
10. OH! If you name drop my boss’ name, you’re on my list.
And his name is Justin, not Jared.
11. If I don’t get your Keno ticket in on time, and you miss out on money - it’s not my fault.
I do genuinely apologize but I was trying to clear Table 8 so the people waiting could sit down, get 2 Bud Light’s, extra napkins and some sour cream to Table 3, bring an extra menu to the person who just sat down at Table 4 clear Bar 1 and 2 and put the dirty glasses through the dishwasher -- Oh and I just remembered Bar 9 needed their check. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE I FEEL TO GET YOUR KENO SLIPS IN IS REAL, AND I WANT YOU TO WIN MONEY, BUT FUCK!
12. If I come to your table and you need something I’ll go get it for you, no problemo.
If I come back, and you ask me for something else, fine I’ll do it, but if someone at your table asks me for something a third time.. I mean come on! Pay attention! Killing me!
13. No, we don’t have Happy Hour in Massachusetts.
Why? I don’t know. Cause we’re just the worst.
14. If the beer is $5.75, you give me $6.00, then I give you your quarter back and you take your quarter and walk away. Well I just hate you.
15. No you can not leave with your drink, why you ask?
Because we are not in the Keys or New Orleans -- trust me I wish we were.
16. I’m not shutting you off because I’m a bitch.
I’m shutting you off because:
A. You're driving and lying about it
B. You look like you're going to puke
C. You're causing a scene
D. Or maybe I'm just doing my job.
17. I know I only called last call 10 minutes ago, but that was the point of calling last call -- that's why it was 10 minutes ago.
18. No you can not buy a six pack from me.
19. Please sign your credit card slip.
Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to tell someone they have “to sign” their slip...
20. If you're chewing dip, PLEASE THROW YOUR BOTTLE OR CUP AWAY! I can’t explain, I’ll gag.
21. Don’t leave your table a complete mess. We are not janitors.
22. Yes a round of waters sounds great! Just don’t order them at different times.
23. Don’t tell a server you’re ready to order and then sit there deciding what you want.
24. “What’s your cheapest beer?” Is an extremely worrisome question.
25. Don’t ever ask a bartender if they’re understaffed or tell them their in the weeds.
26. ALSO can you not fall asleep at my bar.
It will A. take everything in my power to be professional and not take a picture of you and B. make me feel really bad I have to wake you from what looks like such a good dream.
27. If you ask me what the Absolute Citron is and I tell you its a citrus vodka, and you ask me what that’s like and I ask if you’ve ever had a lemon and you say “yes” and I respond with “it taste like that.” Don’t then respond with the question “so what’s it taste like apple or something?.”
I want to keep going, but I also wanted this to be a short list. Listen. We are here to give you a good time, take care of you, make sure your experience is worth you choosing our establishment and spending your money here. But PLEASE be a decent human. Because we are humans too. Be nice, have fun. So if you’ve said to yourself “Oops, I do that” a couple times while reading this, tighten up your shit -- I promise I’ll smile.
